40:12 No answer is an answer, and why do you care.

So I emailed someone how I felt they treated me and told them I wouldn’t try to talk to them until they told me they could treat me as well as they would a stranger. 8 or 9 weeks now and every time I think of messaging them I remember they never said anything.
I did get a couple messages. One was an odd picture of a friend with nothing else. Then weeks later a single . just a period.
Figured it was a test but since it said nothing I have it the reply it deserved. None. I suspect they either expected me to fall but I’m holding true. If I can’t be treated with something other than contempt, I don’t need to be around for it.
Am I happier because of it…actually yes. Now in the last year I’ve shed a best friend who’d betray me, another who’d bleed me dry and a lover who was dedicated to hurting me.

ITS still making more sense as I make this journey

40 but I’m still learning, this conversation with an ex ….less about him, more for me cause I was realizing it then…thats my face when I grew just a bit more determined and optimistic that its out there.

No you got josh who you also made out with and swapped nudes like you did Michael. So whoever you hire you probably have sexual history with
were we together
or did u dump me and go to someone else’s
i don’t apologize for not dumping u and letting u run off to their house while waiting again.
u made that
i told ya you could move in. so that’s that problem gone…..
if u don’t dump me all the time
and not that it matters but no my problem or habit the same one u have but like to pretend u dont isn’t an issue. i didn’t get 30k I get 3k a week for the next 4 months. so if ya have to know….just about everything to not worry and work so much. but i will cause i’m just like that
and i can make more
and that isn’t important but it is.
cause i’m one of these horrible guys who likes knowing my friends are gonna benefit too if they help me. i like being in a team.
i like taking care of my loved ones as best so can and I know they’ll take care of me as they can and we’re all happier and stronger together.
and u know that’s me.
and ure supposed to be that other guy who ms life is better and easier because he makes my life better and easier.
I know you were sucking Michael that day I was over and met him the first time. I could hear through the vents.i didn’t care just cared I keep getting lied to about things I hear or things you tell me. Do I make assumptions yes but not all are far fetched
Just I need to stop texting and I’m deleting number so I will stop
i wasnt … but doesnt matter
just gonna come up with someone else or something else in a few minutes…
It doesn’t you’re right. It never has and we need to realize that it maybe just I need to realize
so if you want to believe it go for it…
Sorry you’ve have so many
I dont know….I guess youd stop if I did fuck around … ?  then you could walk and not feel like youre making the biggest mistake….
I dont have too … just believe what you will.  Ive done this before and it never has ended positively
so just believe i was doing someone else while you were here….when you knew I was 110% into you. i mean…Im not now.  You eroded it away….but no I never did
cause I wanted you then
i guess you are saying that cause youre in someones bed and it makes you feel better.  that was justins MO
but doesnt matter
⁠Evanescence – My Immortal (Official Music Video)
while i may be listening to this song tonight…i’ll love again and Ill love them just as hard as I did you.  It wont make it any less then what I felt for you, it will just mean its not right for now anymore.
I stuck around longer than anyone else thought was healthy.  So…I tried.  just wasnt to be
like it may seem impossible to you… and I mean Dean and David are examples of what you think relationships are … but no …. I knew what I wanted, I knew that a little fun for a moment could risk everything I had planned and wanted … and it just wasn’t worth that.  People can be all in…you just dont believe it….and that doesnt deminish what I gave you … it was true and real and head over heals for you with a long term plan in my head where you were with me in everything and everywhere….so why would i blow him while u are upstairs?  I far too logical to know my passion meant more.  and you just never recognized it.  Maybe some day you will, I doubt it … cause you’ll likely show yourself over and over that … that doesnt exist.
maybe you didnt feel the  same for me…. but that still doesnt mean it doesnt exist….cause I know it did for me and it has to then with someone else out there….its taken half my life and I havent found him yet or I didnt know what I had then … but its out there and hopefully the rest of you get a chance at it.
⁠The Greatest Showman Cast – Tightrope (Official Audio)
i’m not worried i’m looking forward to falling in love again with someone who might with me.  Then like Justin who moved to louisville to be with me….or like Michael who came to Chicago …. they risked it all just to be with me.  Tightrope
and if I run into that again….bitches are gonna be so jealous of what we can do together
hope ya dont mind…Im gonna blog this shit, the next guy might be into reading it

40:11 Cody Garner Baxter Is A Gaslighter With Multiple Lives.

“If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth.” ―attributed to various sources

  “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda

I Realized Truths In The Last Month That Destroyed Cody Baxter

  1. If he sits next to me and ignores his Grandmothers calls and talks bad about her so much and I see him lying to her minute by minute maybe he’s lying to me too.  Maybe I’m his grandmother when he isn’t here.  Hes known her his whole life why did I think I’d be treated openly and honestly? Maybe Dean And David Arent As Horrible As He Describes? Maybe they dont Beg For Sex From Him?
  2. Cody is a gas lighter.  And its habitual, its been at least going on since May 2018 and he likely wont stop unless he gets therapy for it.

From Psychology Today…

Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.

In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter’s unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can occur in personal relationships, at the workplace, or over an entire society.

Multiple studies and writings have focused on the phenomenon of gaslighting and its destructive impact.[1][2][3][4][5][6] Here are seven stages through which a pathological gaslighter dominates a victim (excerpted from my book, How to Successfully Handle Gaslighters & Stop Psychological Bullying). Depending on the situation, there may be variations in the order and the number of gaslighting stages involved:

1.  Lie and Exaggerate. The gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee (“There’s something wrong and inadequate about you”), based on generalized false presumptions and accusations, rather than objective, independently verifiable facts, thereby putting the gaslightee on the defensive.

  “My wife is a pathetic loser, and she needs to know the truth.” ―Anonymous husband

“The work your department does is a waste of time and resources. How do you even justify your employment?” ―Anonymous manager

  “I hate it when you put groceries on the checkout counter that way. I told you before I HATE it!” ―Mother to daughter at supermarket

2. Repetition. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated constantly in order to stay on the offensive, control the conversation, and dominate the relationship.

3. Escalate When Challenged. When called on their lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.

  “When I caught my boyfriend sexting with someone, he flatly said it didn’t happen — that I imagined the whole thing. He called me a crazy b—-.” ―Anonymous

4. Wear Out the Victim. By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question her or his own perception, identity, and reality.

5. Form Codependent Relationships. The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.” In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.                   

6. Give False Hope. As a manipulative tactic, the gaslighter will occasionally treat the victim with mildness, moderation, and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslightee false hope. In these circumstances, the victim might think: “Maybe he’s really not THAT bad,” “Maybe things are going to get better,” or “Let’s give it a chance.”

But beware! The temporary mildness is often a calculated maneuver intended to instill complacency and have the victim’s guard down before the next act of gaslighting begins. With this tactic, the gaslighter also further reinforces a codependent relationship.

7. Dominate and Control. At its extreme, the ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the gaslighter keeps the gaslightees in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will, for the augmentation of their power and personal gain.

If All I Date Are Crazies, Whats My Crazy? Cause Thats Crazy

So a friend offered over conversation a week ago that my most recent ex was a sociopath. I was like no, and he was like youre thinking of a psychopath this is different, and in the last week I think hes right. He doesnt mean to be cruel he just doesnt see how making plans with someone and then not showing up or calling, letting days go by with no contact would make ya feel like shit. Multiple times in a row consecutively over months to him isnt anything to be upset about, he thinks I’m controlling. A lack of empathy for others.

Before that I dated a paranoid schizophrenic we had scenes out of the movies… like the time he fled the house on foot out the back because he knew that I had called the people from the mental hospital who had arrived to take him away…and it was actually the UPS man dropping off my monitor.

So I mean crazies…in a clinical way. Then I realized, I must be crazy. 🙂 People usually see these warning flags and get the hell away I tried to move them in and build a life with them…I had to be, have to be crazy. So what do I suffer from?

Like I dont think of myself poorly and thet I dont deserve better, I know I do…I just look at them and want the best for them and I am … The Savior Complex. Messiah Complex or Hero Complex. I want to be the guy who picks them up from the ground and right them on their course and save them.

How many homeless youths have you offered to live at your place? I know what youre wondering and no no sex. First for me was Dwayne in like 2009, he was sleeping in his car and it was Thanksgiving and we were talking and I said I have a guest room, sleep in a bed. Then the couple that I moved in and finally the Danville boy. Just think of my pets…I havent choosen any of my pets, Rob picked those cats then I decided to save them …. for 10 yrs. My current dog, Justin picked … and the crazy dog Pipper that was attacking Winston…I didnt pick her she was left her. I want to fix and save. It sounds sweet and all but its crazy.

From some reading….

What causes a savior complex?
The compulsive need to rescue or help others is often rooted in your childhood. Researchers believe those who suffer from a savior complex or white knight syndrome are trying to fix some negative sense of themselves that arose in early life. Low self-esteem, abuse, or neglect may have contributed to this complex.

Now what sucks is that isnt a DSM diagnosis its close to delusions of grandeur and often reported in patients with bipolar disorder and schizoprenia.  So maybe I am crazy, but hey…who do you want to sit next to on a plane or a bus?  Someone who doesn’t care about your feelings?  Someone who thinks you are going to hurt them?  Or someone who is looking for the chance to save someone…lol.  

Chciago PD once had to swarm a neighborhood because I heard a woman fighting with a man and said well if no one else is going to stop it I will….running out and then finding the guy ready to focus all his anger on me, with bystanders calling 911…it was like 45 seconds and cop cars came from 3 directions lights and sirens going up the wrong way on one way streets and I was saved.  Bite off too much … it can get ya in trouble.

Trying to be the hero because you secretly feel the need to prove yourself, I do have to say it gets tiring after a bit and you find youve collected a circle of needy people that drain you emotionally.  That drain manifests as stress and then you have months of an allergic reaction to nothing when all ya need is to let them fight their own battles.  Maybe find someone else with the complex and then you can both just save each other? 🙂

Time to lay them to rest…so 2019 isn’t haunted like 2018

First a song for Justin. I think I finally got what he meant through this song. He did try and he did build a home with me, gave up what he had in Chicago all on the chance of us. To live though, we had to die. I hope he’s living, really living.

Just the cover photos says enough about what we built.

One thing is sure, I stuck to my creed this year…

I’d rather lose and bet on a loved one’s success than win betting on them failing.

I figure it explains why you hope that this time will be different even though there is no sign it will be.

But just as I held onto a sense of obligation to that dog I knew I had to get her out of my life. Now the dog is gone and Ive even been complimented on seeming more at peace and calm. So I took that. 😉 Now also as 2018 rolls to its end I have to say that the defining aspect of this year since it started has continued to be Cody and sadly the unmet hopes and dreams I had…consistent to the end under whelmed is what I hope he goes down as but I actually suspect I’d be surprised with how much he did behind my back. Its just consistent behavior with with Ive experienced before…people who live closeted to their family live lies and then live lies to the other parts of their lives as well since lying is already how they live. Its like, thinking that someone isnt going to treat you the way you see them treating others because you think you’re special…take out the bias and its obvious you’re a fool.
And in the end who really cares? It inst going to slow my life, honestly it speeds up and I let 2018 defined by sorrow, die with its chief focus. Oh I neglected to catch you up … Cody and I have continued this inconsistent passing where basically he shows up when he wants and leaves when he wants and I’m supposed to just sit on idle while he sleeps the next week. But I know he doesnt sleep…its not only impossible its also disproven by the phone data records when I was covering that. Its those little lies though were its just not important to him to tell you the truth.
Anyhow, I was a little annoyed with him after waiting a week to see him and he went out with this couple he used to sleep with to dinner…and didnt mention it to me. If I did that it would be holy hell to pay. So I was annoyed, and I had signed for and put my reputation on the line for him and gained a contract on Upwork that he would work and Id just give him the $. I dont have time for my own work so I cant do it so its risking everything on him doing what he says he’d do … and thinking back what an idiot I was…he cant even show up on a night we have plans to go on a date. So I mentioned that to him Friday last week in text and he was defensive and went on irrelevant tangents about me, all projecting his faults and finally I was like…I dont have time to keep rambling around what is happening here, Im having a night and if he wants to join he can. I sent him cab fare over and went out. Kinda thought Id see him … but nope. He did however break up again with me because of my tone or word choice. For suggesting that he’d screw me over in the contract…what did he do? Exactly that. He scerwed me over in the contract meaning that he’s proven himself to be the most dangerous person to my ability to make a living. Most dangerous because he’d accept my trust and agree to allow me to step out in front of a bus and then he’d have me stand there. I told him I couldn’t imagine him doing anything worse.

Well wait a day…

So by Saturday hes still acting like hes in the right and he isnt fucking me over while fucking me over…that he isnt breaking up and discarding our relationship yet again over nothing over nothing. Hes basically lied to himself and to me so much he has no handle on whats real. I invite him out he of course isnt responsive I end up running into a guy I have a thing for who does show me attention and who does want to be around and I mean I’ve been dumped so I go home with him. Then Cody sees that he is here, acts like hes shocked that I am not being faithful to him after he has dumped me, after our time together has consistently sucked for months.

But what happens next is …. its now a habit of Cody’s cause hes done it before. He tried to get the guy I was with to come out and leave me t have sex with him and another guy. WAIT … where did the other guy come from? See Cody doesnt have the ability to host, and he doesnt just meet people so I assume this is his hidden part that he has been busy with while ignoring me. He had come up with a person and a way to sleep with the guy at my house too quick for it not to have already been available….so he wants me to feel guilty while hes at this other guys house after he was the one who dumped me? … And lets not forget the time half my long term friends fucked him while I was out of town … it was a revenge thing to get at me…I forgave but that was pretty much the end of our relationship. Since its always been a day or two here and there and every comments when we are together we seem so prefect and apart we seem so bad for each other, and I think its just his double lives…or triple maybe?
Ive thought about it and I know I wont ever trust him, he isnt trustworthy. I cant rely on him and I dont feel comforted by him. He is as I described … toxic. Hes taken what I offered and tossed it out with out any long term understanding of how it affects us. Maybe he doesnt care, but no I think if he doesnt some day years later maybe he’ll wonder what if he hadnt treated me like that, what if he had met me half way. Could I have made him happy? I dont know, I like to think that I would have and he’d have loved living in Chicago and even if we broke up a couple years later he’d know that I changed his life for the better.
Now I dont see much in his future, and lies beget lies and sorrow brings sorrow so he’s likely to just be a sad man all his life blaming others and never taking a chance with anyone. BUT … just like with that dog I got rid of … its not my fault and I cant change him or his path now. All I can do is get myself back on my path and spend time with the ones who want to spend it with me. And thats what Ive done, I’ve been happier.
I’m mindfully reminiscent, not of my experiences with Cody … those are pretty bad really. But I was bringing in groceries and thought of Justin. How he did take a risk on us, how he would help with groceries and how he would clean the house so I could work and how we did things and slept next to one another and I guess I realize Cody wasn’t a good distraction from Justin and I parting … it was like taking the worst of Justin and I and making it the only thing left. No laughing together just the tears. And I mourn that I felt so obligated for what ever reason to improve Cody’s life that I allowed a year of my life to vanish in depression from the isolation. I should already be in Chicago, and I’m not going to seek out Justin but I hope I pass him on the street…I owe him a thank you…he was honest with me and he was willing to do the crazy thing of move to Louisville to be with me.
Two boys, so different and so the same but with totally different places in my life, one a waste the other something I can think of and smile about from time to time. I guess, one may have made me a better person and the other just delayed me…and now I’m late for my life.
Gotta go…its almost 2019. In spite of it all though I will say 2018 was a year to build msyelf up from nothing into something. You’re gonna hear more about me and SEO in the near future, I may have set myself up for long term success. We’ll see…I guess I can thank Cody cause if he hadnt ignored me and expected me to stay home all the time, I wouldnt have worked this hard, even if he has tried to hurt me and set me up for failure. Good begets good, and I think I have good things coming.

Not least but last…a Cody sign off Goodbye song…( anytime I feel tempted to text him I just remember thats all it takes for him to break up with you, ditch financial responsibilities youve tied yourself to him and start trolling anyone he thinks is near me for sex. No I’m not bitter ITS ACTUALLY HOW IT HAPPENED. and kind of a second time he pulled this 24 going on 15 crap.

Im not as hung up or devastated….he would like to think Im embarrassed that he did that all to me? But I dont get embarrassed being every thing he wasnt trusting … a partner … honest … reliable … I’m not embarrassed, cause the next guy will appreciate it and Ill appreciate him more because of Cody. He’ll likely keep shaving his head to hide the bald spots he picks while he sits there hunting for his flaws because he knows deep down that he didn’t deserve me, and he’ll never pick that off himself.

This doesn’t change anything but my opinion.

“Its always better to have bet on someone you loved rising above it and find you’re wrong than to bet on them disappointing you and see you’re right.” – Me

So I have to say that I’m pretty distressed in myself, but I at least know I gave it time and again the chance to be something I knew it was capable of … it’s been a horrible year of neglecting myself in the hopes someone else would see the attention and affection I showered on them. In the end it’s not changed my belief in love or others.

I’ll still have everything I used too but now I have my release from this feeling of sorrow. I honestly don’t think they’ll get along well without me but its not my job to shield and rescue anymore…

Six months from now I’ll be happier and better off, not regretting what I’ve done but knowing it wasn’t going to work now no matter what I did, hopefully they’ll be better too, even if they’ve disappointed in the past.

Its time to live and time to die.

40:11 When your feet dont touch the ground


The big news flash here is I plan to utilize these funds and my energies to move on from Louisville. I don’t know the dates but this isn’t where I belong, and everyday I feel it.

So Matts Good News

My feet dont touch the ground. So 2018 has been a rough year for me, physically, emotional, work, love and friends. BUT the deep it seems I am diving the higher and more sudden I always rise and its my optimistic belief in Karma and trying to show charity of heart and spoils of my wins when they are around. Lately fewer wins and some health issues possibly stress related but I think Ive decided to stop getting by and to get on up.
And work has bounced … dont like to talk dollars but I I made more this week than I made the last month. And no reason thats changing … also was invited to a job on Upwork thats 125% me and every step Ive taken fro 7 years. I dont have the job but I’ll share some of why its mine.

The Latest New Contract?

Create a 7 hour Google Cloud Platform (GCP) training video course for beginners

Network & System Administration Posted Dec 2, 2018
We are looking a professional that has intensive experience using Google Cloud Platform to create a 7 hour GCP training video course for beginners. The majority of the tutorial should be screencast capture and narration describing what you are doing on the screen and Slides.

We will provide a full curriculum of this Google Cloud Platform tutorial and detailed instructions about what should be covered in each lecture.

My Response To Recording Video Lectures Teaching Google Cloud

Thank you for the invitation to your project. I think there are some really awesome connections between what you’re wanting and what I enjoy doing and have done. At Enova Financial I went from the 3rd shift help desk guy to a position created specifically for me reporting to the CIO. I already had my BS IT when I started and I earned an MBA in Technology Mgmt but while a help desk manager I felt 90% of our calls were training not trouble so I got permission to lead new training courses and redo employee on boarding, I loved it. I was put in-charge of all software developers training and design ed a 6 week “camp” that was well regarded from the CIO to the interns. Around this time in 2012 I began working with cloud computing feeling it was the future. I completed my Master of Education in Instructional Design around this time. I also recorded over 100 Camtasia screen cast videos addressing common issues or new software for our company. I was transferred to Talent Management in the newly created position of Technical Trainer. It was a great experience but I wanted something more technical.
I took a position as a Software Training for Hewlett-Packard in 2012. I learned their Information Governance suite of software Control Point, HP Records Manager and HP Idol. I got to travel from Brisbane AU to Ellicotville NY and everywhere in between delivering training to mostly military and government agencies. It was a cool experience I was in the US Strategic Command at some point. HP split up in 2014 and I was one of 50,000 laid off.
I worked for 2 years at Accenture designing post graduate certificate online courses for a university’s business strategy certificate program. It was a great experience as well but the project ended in November of 2017. .
Thats when I decided I wanted to learned Google Cloud Platform and Amazon Web Services and get a job for one of those two companies. I never got there but I found some success here on Upwork and work full time for my clients. I have a 99% success rate on over 600 hours of client hours I also worked for a couple political campaigns building what one campaign manager described as a national campaign computing environment.
I extensively spend hours everyday on Google Cloud Platform its where I host my projects which are endless and every client seems to find that I just had to move them to it. No ones complained, I’m good at get them onboard and showing the “Whats In It For Me” moments, students have described as having “Titanic levels of patience” and the head Strategist of one campaign commented after the election that he’s never had a resource like me available to him.
If you’d like to discuss the project more feel free to reach out here or you can schedule a call directly on my calendar at https://matthewleffler.com/schedule I also some documents and projects posted there and I operate https://cloud502.com as my cloud computing environment. I have CloudDNS, 7 or 9 servers that power about 105 domains. I use buckets, SQL servers, cPanel servers and WordPress Multipress sites. Ive had high availability loud balanced WordPress server clusters with replication SQL servers running for web sites that no one visits…cause I felt the need to make it.

Interviews Were Rough As Louisville Didn’t Get It

In job interviews people have acted like I wasted time on training and not more technology, in other interviews they act like I wasted time on technology and not training. People seemed didnt generally care for my experience using Camtasia to record my screen casts. They likely thought … why is he wasting his time trying to learn AWS and Google Cloud computing. These folks are looking for a technical person to make training videos using Camtasia on Google Cloud Platform, seven one hour parts at 1000 a part. On top of my 8 other clients

There Q&A Section

Can you Describe your experience with Google Cloud Platform? how long have you been using GCP? How have you used GCP?

I started using Google Cloud Platform in Jan 2018 when I was working for a campaign and excel spreadsheets were crashing my computer. I had built a 55 column 500,000 row spreadsheet on voters and I used this to seed data in an SQL server there. Added every city transaction in the last 2 years as well as every “incident” in the last 10 years that police filed reports on and used this to produce heat maps using Google Fusion and Google Data Studio. My Google Data Studio graphs and charts were deeo dig downs on the voters I felt we needed to target and Google Cloud was the repository for those. I also created 2 cPanel web servers. I had also made an AWS environment and built a VPN from GCP to AWS.

Can you Describe your experience with screencast/video editing tools such as Camtasia? Do you have any of your previously recorded technical videos that you can share with me?

I’ve literally made hundreds of hours of technical trainings for a financial company, HP and Accenture. I used exclusively Camtasia and was also asked to teach Camtasia in a weekly workshop for coworkers. I have only one, they were all the property of those employers and then I didnt realize I’d ever benefit from a copy. https://mattleffler.me is my more instructional design site. ( I found in interviews that the IT people thought I was too much a trainer and the trainers thought I was too much a technology guy…how I ended up just doing this on my own ) I haven’t kept the site as up to date as I should but if you scroll down you’ll see Presentations in the center of the page, clicking it opens a modal and you’ll find Camtasia is a menu item….its a short video about access a course from a mobile device


Oh BTW Not Work Related…

Oh hey I made a new stupid site Ugly Christmas Sweaters

40:10 I wasn’t surprised, its just, when I said I wanted reliable…

I’ve described my ideal “partner” as “reliable” several times now. That if ya dont know when you’re going to see them again, and if they cant commit to plans with me then how can I plan on anything.

Relationships even friendships are built on shared experiences. Doing things…its just a psychological fact. Taking your dog on a walk everyday is a shared experience, you bond. If I’ve learned much these past couple years in Louisville its that friendships are like gardens. Its cliche and true. If you stop tending it weeds invade and theres nothing worth having if you don’t work for it. I’m not mad, just as usual disappointed in my choices.
I think I have to rehome this stupid 2nd dog in a week and work my ass off while in Louisville so I can get back to Chicago. Theres just nothing here for me, I moved here with Justin thinking if anything went wrong I had a support network but I guess I didnt realize he was the support network. Without my Chicago job I freelance work for clients out of state and outside of a few people don’t really keep regular contact with anyone here.
Last time I was up there I just had this feeling of being home and I’ve called Louisville carbon monoxide before…its just proving so true.
The lack of shared experiences highlights that I’m wasting away in an average regional place no offense to the filks I have grown to lean on but also largely filled with average unchallenged people and lousy love interests that while I see the potential in them and us they seem to not or not be able to get out of this Louisville existence of getting by…

A consistent theme in my journal the last year is that I’m not happy, life isn’t progressing and it’ll only change if I change it.