40:08 Stupid Me

I opened up a conversation with Cody this weekend. I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better and I knew he wasn’t going to fix issues, but I knew me too. If I want to say something and hold it back…it finds its way out somehow. I figured it was better to speak my mind than to just be silent.
Mostly everything he said was this continuation of a lie about me and my actions. He had to know it was at the beginning but I honestly think he believes what he says … that he’s said it so many times to himself and I’m sure his “friends” have repeated it that he is just so sure of his decision. I hate that not only did it end but it ends in a way that leaves him thinking I did something other than wait for him. I diminished and embarrassed myself for nothing. But I had a conversation with an old friend this weekend and he broke it down to me in terms I hadn’t even caught.
I said we hadn’t been boyfriends in months. That I couldn’t remember the last time the two of us had planned to see each other and when we did see each other we were happy. The several last times he just came when he wanted with no heads up … then would get upset that I wasn’t able to dedicate the time off my laptop. We didn’t do anything memorable…and thats partially my fault. The key to building a relationship is …. shared experiences. We had our trip to Chicago…horrible. But I couldn’t build shared experiences because I couldn’t rely on him to show up. The very last time he was here he stayed one night and left to go sleep at someone else’s home who he just was at and used to sleep with…and I was supposed to just wait I guess…till he felt like seeing me in a week or two.
He hadnt responded to me via text regularly, always saying he was sleeping…but of course he was texting someone. I dont care that he didnt want to talk to me, I do care that he lied to me about it. I didnt see him hardly at all the last month…he spent it with everyone else. Its like he wanted to see how long I’d hold on with nothing there.
I’ve been left this time with nothing to look back on and remember positively…well not true…just nothing since the first few months after we met. He seemed to try then. I just gave myself away for free and thats what I became worth. So we weren’t boyfriends, hardly even friends with benefits. I said I just hoped we could move on and be friends.

Revelation…Chris said…Matt he isnt even your friend.

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