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39:14 What can ya do? – Matthew Leffler 2003 – Now aka Kymatt19.LiveJournal.com

39:14 What can ya do?

So I’m coming to terms with the status quo…I know I’ve said it before but hey grief of losing someone has several stages and ya bounce around in them.

Denial – when I say to myself I love him and he loves me so all we need is for one of us to do some romantic gesture and the other one will follow and we’ll live happily ever after, we just have to get through this and communicate and love will move mountains to bring us back together.
Its a sweet thought but based on all communication and all actions this isn’t a case of two people in love. Its shown to be one sided and unattractive on my part. Its likely just damaging my prospects with others and its inviting more and more hardship.

Anger – How could he treat me so badly? Doesn’t he know what I’ve done and he repays it like this? He lives with the guy he initially did all of this with to me…and makes me take him back there and pick him back up just reminding me that he doesn’t want to be here. So I get angry…I also came to the realization he slept with two of my friends, more than once. Its not a mistake when it is repeated and nothing is done to change the way he’s lived since then. It was to get back at me? Ya know … I left him taken care of and lets pretend I left and went up to Chicago and spent it sleeping with an ex. We were broken up after being in an open relationship. He had disappeared for five days at a guys house that he used to sleep with. Does that give him the right to sleep with my friends? I dont think so…but heres the catch, it actually doesn’t upset me…I really did forgive him cause I decided he was more important than who he hooked up with … but since that weekend he’s consistently acted like he doesn’t want to fix things. We’ve had a few good days here and there but then those were lost … I felt like we most recently repaired our issues but then he woke up…complained that there wasnt anything to drink at my house and announced his need to go back to Seans. I flipped sure. We were supposed to go to Chicago and he has a history of ignoring me when there so what about our trip? He said he needed to do laundry … but it was an over night trip. I over reacted but he left me hanging and made me take him back to the place that our relationship died.

Depression – I went a week without joing, or having sex … no desire. I went several days just sleeping…what was the point of doing anything? If I tried to move on he’d think I wasn’t into him anymore, he had already said that he couldnt believe I wanted him and was seeing other people. I wrote letters and talked to friends, created a playlist of breakup music ( Its on spotify welcome to sample my Cody tunes ) … yelled at my dog and just stopped trying.

Bargaining – If he’d only talk to me I’d fix his problems. If he’d move in with me I’d take care of him and he could live his life. If he’d date me again we could have threeways together. We can watch our favorite show and he’d give me time to be around him.

Acceptance – Well … this is it. He’s not talking to ya, he’s living over there. He’s never said he loves ya. His future plans don’t include me. I’ve made a fool of myself and this break up is close to out living the relationships duration…this is the end of my 30s and I’m acting like I’m in my early 20s. He’s consistent and he’s resolute…I’ve been needy and begging and thats not ever going to serve me well whether we get back together or dont. ( Dont worry that was too much denial…leaving a path open that we could get back together…its just no matter what, I need to be Matt Leffler … he’s not a wreck, he does things fair and he’s kind but he also isn’t pathetic.

Time to accept that this isn’t me and he has my number…if he wanted to be near me, he would be…and I can’t and shouldn’t try to change where he wants to be. I just need to be with folks who want to be with me, one thing I know … after folks part, they dont discover they were meant to be together…the more time apart the less chance they’ll find each other again. Thats why I had such urgency and such a drive to fix things, time heals all wounds … but it also doesn’t bring people back together. But both need to want it, one pushing and scratching his way into the others life … does no one good and it doesnt do a relationship justice. So I’m back to early May when I was told to lose his number I suppose.

I didnt turn my back on love though! I fought…I was open and honest and I compromised and I forgave. I forgave. So I think I did all I could.

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