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40:07 A grown up feeling. – Matthew Leffler 2003 – Now aka Kymatt19.LiveJournal.com

40:07 A grown up feeling.

So the ex crossed my mind this morning, same one that has been my ex everytime I post on here past year now.  He’s never been good at being a boyfriend, not his fault he’s too young to really get it…which is my fault for falling for this mystical belief that he’s wise beyond his years. But I thought of him and so I did what I can do to be aware of him, I hoped on Grindr to check out what he was doing, but he hadnt been on in 4 days. Which I immediately knew wasnt true, made a new account and sure enough he was on and apprently out and about with someone.  He has every right too, just as I do.  I got a bit jealous cause I thought about how we had met in the fall, and that he was out now with some newer version of me…someone free of having to work together to over come the odds that a year had brought between us.

But I honestly had a grown up realization.  I didnt want to be that other guy.  I didnt want him here with me.  I was mad and disappointed but not that he wasnt with me, that I even looked … I thought about the last year and how much it totally sucked.  The fact that he goes to the lengths of blocking me makes me kinda sick.  It suggests he doesnt want me to know and the only reason would be if we’re going to talk again and if that is the case I do feel sick.  Because when I think about the last two months we were sometimes together…I ask myself why in the hell would I want that back again?  He mentioned in a rare text that the night we went to see Wicked was the best night of our relationship…and I thought thats awful and it cant be true.  Awful because it was just a night, but I couldnt think of hardly anything else that we had done that hadn’t sucked.  We didnt even experience holidays together because he was always busy showing me he didnt need us.

And the thing that lead to this newest state of seperation?  So minor, so it just makes me feel like he was looking again for a way out and anything would do, and his way out was so already in the works that he didnt even have to leave, he didnt even have to come back for anything.

Underwhelmed and ya I’m mad at him but not because he’s with someone else but because he sqandered the year we had, to the point that I didnt want him with me.  I thought well anger is a normal part of the process, but then this is different.  If he’d have treated me the same as I treated him, I’d be happy.  I never let go as it all kept happening and the world and he fought to pull us apart I felt like I always showed that we were the most important thing.  Now I’m not saying I was this angel but I am saying that, and deep down he knows this too, I was someone he knew that would move heaven and earth to be near him.

I think thats partly where the age factors in, I am ready to work as a team and I have had my time to learn making it on your own is wonder but lonely.It’ll be 15 yrs before he’s here and by then I’ll be in life’s other lessons.

I’m just made at myself for caring, and I’m mad at him for making me look back at our relationship and not long for it.  In the end I was no less lonely then with him than I could be without him. Thats what you get when someone just isnt looking for a relationship who’s in one.

This pic sums up how I feel about Cody and our relationship.  The least two “together” that I’ve been apart of…Justin and I had a better chance…and hell we know how much he and I did well together.  Why would I say these things about Cody and I?  I cant remember when the last time was that I knew I’d see him and I saw him and we did something together 24 hours beforehand.  Literally I have no idea.  And thats how together we were. So I am alittle mad, because he didn’t even leave me something to mourn.

I suspect though that the next is just around the corner.  Yo should always take time after a relationship to reflect … but I honestly feel like the time needed to get over this loss can be covered in the time it took to smoke a cigarette this morning.  I’ve been getting over the end of me and him since May.
And yes to beat a broken record …. lets end with this song.

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