40:08 Stupid Me

I opened up a conversation with Cody this weekend. I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better and I knew he wasn’t going to fix issues, but I knew me too. If I want to say something and hold it back…it finds its way out somehow. I figured it was better to speak my mind than to just be silent.
Mostly everything he said was this continuation of a lie about me and my actions. He had to know it was at the beginning but I honestly think he believes what he says … that he’s said it so many times to himself and I’m sure his “friends” have repeated it that he is just so sure of his decision. I hate that not only did it end but it ends in a way that leaves him thinking I did something other than wait for him. I diminished and embarrassed myself for nothing. But I had a conversation with an old friend this weekend and he broke it down to me in terms I hadn’t even caught.
I said we hadn’t been boyfriends in months. That I couldn’t remember the last time the two of us had planned to see each other and when we did see each other we were happy. The several last times he just came when he wanted with no heads up … then would get upset that I wasn’t able to dedicate the time off my laptop. We didn’t do anything memorable…and thats partially my fault. The key to building a relationship is …. shared experiences. We had our trip to Chicago…horrible. But I couldn’t build shared experiences because I couldn’t rely on him to show up. The very last time he was here he stayed one night and left to go sleep at someone else’s home who he just was at and used to sleep with…and I was supposed to just wait I guess…till he felt like seeing me in a week or two.
He hadnt responded to me via text regularly, always saying he was sleeping…but of course he was texting someone. I dont care that he didnt want to talk to me, I do care that he lied to me about it. I didnt see him hardly at all the last month…he spent it with everyone else. Its like he wanted to see how long I’d hold on with nothing there.
I’ve been left this time with nothing to look back on and remember positively…well not true…just nothing since the first few months after we met. He seemed to try then. I just gave myself away for free and thats what I became worth. So we weren’t boyfriends, hardly even friends with benefits. I said I just hoped we could move on and be friends.

Revelation…Chris said…Matt he isnt even your friend.

40:07 A grown up feeling.

So the ex crossed my mind this morning, same one that has been my ex everytime I post on here past year now.  He’s never been good at being a boyfriend, not his fault he’s too young to really get it…which is my fault for falling for this mystical belief that he’s wise beyond his years. But I thought of him and so I did what I can do to be aware of him, I hoped on Grindr to check out what he was doing, but he hadnt been on in 4 days. Which I immediately knew wasnt true, made a new account and sure enough he was on and apprently out and about with someone.  He has every right too, just as I do.  I got a bit jealous cause I thought about how we had met in the fall, and that he was out now with some newer version of me…someone free of having to work together to over come the odds that a year had brought between us.

But I honestly had a grown up realization.  I didnt want to be that other guy.  I didnt want him here with me.  I was mad and disappointed but not that he wasnt with me, that I even looked … I thought about the last year and how much it totally sucked.  The fact that he goes to the lengths of blocking me makes me kinda sick.  It suggests he doesnt want me to know and the only reason would be if we’re going to talk again and if that is the case I do feel sick.  Because when I think about the last two months we were sometimes together…I ask myself why in the hell would I want that back again?  He mentioned in a rare text that the night we went to see Wicked was the best night of our relationship…and I thought thats awful and it cant be true.  Awful because it was just a night, but I couldnt think of hardly anything else that we had done that hadn’t sucked.  We didnt even experience holidays together because he was always busy showing me he didnt need us.

And the thing that lead to this newest state of seperation?  So minor, so it just makes me feel like he was looking again for a way out and anything would do, and his way out was so already in the works that he didnt even have to leave, he didnt even have to come back for anything.

Underwhelmed and ya I’m mad at him but not because he’s with someone else but because he sqandered the year we had, to the point that I didnt want him with me.  I thought well anger is a normal part of the process, but then this is different.  If he’d have treated me the same as I treated him, I’d be happy.  I never let go as it all kept happening and the world and he fought to pull us apart I felt like I always showed that we were the most important thing.  Now I’m not saying I was this angel but I am saying that, and deep down he knows this too, I was someone he knew that would move heaven and earth to be near him.

I think thats partly where the age factors in, I am ready to work as a team and I have had my time to learn making it on your own is wonder but lonely.It’ll be 15 yrs before he’s here and by then I’ll be in life’s other lessons.

I’m just made at myself for caring, and I’m mad at him for making me look back at our relationship and not long for it.  In the end I was no less lonely then with him than I could be without him. Thats what you get when someone just isnt looking for a relationship who’s in one.

This pic sums up how I feel about Cody and our relationship.  The least two “together” that I’ve been apart of…Justin and I had a better chance…and hell we know how much he and I did well together.  Why would I say these things about Cody and I?  I cant remember when the last time was that I knew I’d see him and I saw him and we did something together 24 hours beforehand.  Literally I have no idea.  And thats how together we were. So I am alittle mad, because he didn’t even leave me something to mourn.

I suspect though that the next is just around the corner.  Yo should always take time after a relationship to reflect … but I honestly feel like the time needed to get over this loss can be covered in the time it took to smoke a cigarette this morning.  I’ve been getting over the end of me and him since May.
And yes to beat a broken record …. lets end with this song.

40:06 Gets coldest just before the light

I think one of my best qualities and just as they often are for anyone … weakness, is my ability in times of sadness or struggle to shrug and know its just for this moment.  This too shall pass, its my choice or your choice to stay in this or to fight and try to change it.
Tonight I was talking with various friends and planning an outing but kinda tired and when one dropped out and another was iffy I figured lets just sleep.  I shoulda done a better job of passing on that info to everyone but I got to have a cool conversation with one friend who showed up on time and woke me and the dogs up.
Sitting together just talking about the paths we find ourselves on I did my usual “Rev, Leffler”, as I think I call it in this journal probably a decade ago where I tell people with great certainty what they need to do to be happy … tonight I prefaced it with … and dont look at my life or actions as examples of following these ideas.  But a lot of what I found myself telling my friend was pretty relevant to hearing myself.  Thanks Rev. Leffler for the perscpective.
Some musings I heard myself say…

What You’ll Mourn Isn’t What You Had

Are your needs being met?  I cant tell you because everyone’s needs are differnet.  So I wont tell you if you should move on or if you shouldnt but you have to decide if what you need from a lover is what you have.  Don’t mistake what you know they are capable of for what you have.  Newton’s first law actually works with relationships too … An object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.  Meaning he may be capable of meeting your needs, and you think “if he just” … but he isnt and likely he hasn’t … the first law suggests that and he’ll continue to treat you the same until he can’t.

Don’t make excuses for him.  Every excuse you make may be valid but it doesnt change the fact that your needs arent being met.  He is doing right now what he wants to do and he isn’t with you.  He doesnt want to be, he may say it sometimes that he wants you but he’s more likely just afraid of being alone, so he’s giving you just enough to keep you around.  You’re filling the need he has for your relationship, which may not be a relationship as you define it.

The only way he’ll learn that it isnt good enough for you, is if you move on .. its a paradox really the only thing that will fix things is the end of it.  Its your contribution to his next lover, he’ll know if he ignores his partners needs that they’ll let go.  BUT make no mistake, he’ll never learn that till someone teaches him.  You might be thinking well…maybe with some time apart we can get back together…but that will unteach the lesson.  You’ll teach him that after its all said and done youre still okay with it.

SO…if your needs arent being met you have to move on.  Sure, some nights youre going to be lonely, and youll be tempted to let him back in…but you’ve already been there dont forget that.  You’re likely missing someone who never was there, your missing what you know he and you were capable of … and now you arent capable of it.  So thats sad, but what you had is what you’ll get if you go back, dont mistake reality with hope.

Your Prince Is In Another Castle

BUT … dont focus on him, and his lessons … if you know he isnt meeting your needs the longer you spend with and on him, the longer you chose to remain in this moment and the more you push off the next one.  You wont meet the right guy focusing on the wrong one.  People can pick up on people who arent ready to be happy.  It sounds weird but its very true.  Anyone focused on the wrong relationship isnt ready to be happy.  The sooner you make the choice to move on, the sooner you’ll meet someone who better meets your needs.

Heres a song for you to feel better.

40:05 Thinking of my father

This song and the video weigh a bit on my chest, I cried a few times tonight.  I think its that I and he were at odds so much in my youth.  But then I think the last 10 yrs of his life I felt we grew closer and he became my most trusted advisor in all matters.  And I fell a few times in my 20s…but I was always bailed out by my father who usually knew when the world had taken enough and no lecture was needed just an ear. Now I’m older and Im realizing it has been more so that I’m getting older and seeing the gifts he gave me when I never realized.
As Ive grown older I think he’d be proud.  I think he’d be proud of all his kids and how they turned out.  Oddly I think he’d be surprised how much I and he turned out to be the same…I see that generousity of love and that drive to be loyal and answering the downtimes with as much humor even if others might find it inappropriate.
I’d say I learned its better to take a risk on a loved one everytime no matter how many times in the past they may have let you down.  Its better to bet on those you love and lose than to bet against them and win. My father never bet against me, and I guess thats what I miss most.  I could talk to him and I knew he had nothing in it but my success…in life.
I sat her thinking its been 5 years…went to his Facebook and no … its been about 7.  I think thats the wild part, because those 7 years are the ones I think he’d have been most proud of … he carried me to a point where I could do it alone.  I just miss that he missed me finding a direction.
But I still hear his advice, I still feel his measured and steady words.  I’m still his son. 

40:04 Growing Understanding Of Yourself Helps You Find A Partner

Side note…the new journal is at my old historic web address….I say hostoric cause its been around since 2003 … kymatt19.com its auto updated from here also so as I take control of it and style the way I want this will go…and its required as LJ is a Russian owned service now, with no support and if you’re gay and speak positively of being gay youre inviolation of their laws.

By the way…fuck you Russia, Vladmir Putan and your authoritative laws.  I guess this is part of Making America Great … Russia becoming shit and regressing to the 1980s successes that brought the collapse of your empire.    ( tempting them to shut me down )

With that house keeping noted…I know more about myself now and I know it will help me in finding the better match for me.  I’m not the other guys out there.

I’m unpredictable.
I act because I assume no one else will
I live with urgency because I’m 40 and I fear running out of time
I risk comfort for rewards
I risk rewards for more rewards but I always put alittle bit back from these bets
I’ll never ask for anything I wouldn’t give
I’ll never expect more than I’d do
I’ll never accept anything less than I would do
I wont punish honesty but I may reward a lie
I value experiences over things
I’m taken for granted and I may take others for granted…but brought to my attention I can correct
I prefer function over appearance
I’ll never be happy with content
I dont assume I have to be told
I regret the things I havent done not the things I have
I fail and I’m proud of it, each failure shows I took the chance and am that much wiser
I love like I have never been hurt, because I wont let loss deminish the next opportunity
I’ll make more money than 99% of the world but I will die pennyless.  Having spent everything on living my life.
I’m more loyal than self preserving
I’ll excuse mistakes but patterns will errode my hope
When I’ve lost hope I replace and start a new … a little wiser but just as open and passionately as before

Whoever I end up with will either be the same or love me for these things.

40:03 What could have changed?

I had been asking myself what changed between one week? He said he wanted to be with me and we were gonna be that team and sent me pics of houses … then he went south to his home area and we barely spoke as usual and he came back and he didnt want to see me the first night…then the second he never made an attempt to come over…by 4 am it was obvious that things had changed … a week was all that seperated one state with another. We broke up obviously .. its his go to action when something is bothering him. I was so over that emotion roller coaster, yet again I felt pulled in just so he could push me off in rejection. Sucker punched.
Saw him online I didnt block him I figured the world was big enough for both and I didnt message him on Grindr…but he did block me. Which I mean he hadnt officially blocked me on Facebook…I’m sure I couldnt see anything and I know there isnt any good in looking cause I’m the one who’s been rejected … only thing you can do is try and get away before he decides he’s not done pulling ya in and cutting ya back.
So I have a hunch…and hey its good cause it tells me I couldn’t and didnt have any say in this, so why block me on Grindr? To prevent me from knowing hes on there looking for guys…like I didnt assume…but I noticed today ( I have more than one account ) he was oddly back down in his area just not … Columbia KY …. my super sleuth figured out een the hotel. No family there, never mentioned there and whys he on Grindr with his family in the middle of nowhere? And he only goes down there once every few months…already down, but not home.
What changed is he met someone down there, not love … just lust and no baggage…no work he has to do with this guy. I mean its not unheard of folks…and it explains a lot…( welll if hes with a guy why is he on Grindr? … cause thats when he likes to go on Grindr )
Its never been about the two of us, its always been about the fear of missing out on some other guy and the inability to see the value in two people. SOO….I feel I suppose better, cause he’s ashamed cause if he wasnt then he wouldnt be hiding it. I’m not and I didnt block him. So hes got whatever he is up too to hide, but I guess its all on par with the lessons I think we each have. My fear of letting go and his fear of holding on.We cant learn unless it is this way. Now I have to say, I am learning to let go finally, it has been months and months of misery around him and I chased and chased and in the end you cant love enough for both of you.
I’m fine honestly, its not been a bad time around here…disconcerning that I have no one that I want to plan years and years with but maybe thats what friends are for…not lovers. Give it sometime and the boy wont care about him, new guy will be tired of driving to see him…thats always the nature of what happens when you turn your back on love…you chase what you didn’t know you had and then you’ve lost it.

Good bye LJ … I’m moving camps

Welp its time to say good bye to Live Journal.  Its not a goodbye to me posting my ramblings of course, its just that I’ve finally downloaded about 800 entries from here and have a domain I’m putting them up on and going to continue the conversation in an environment I control.  If there is one thing ya have to have learned about me its that I like to be the master of my technology.
Besides theres no one here anymore but Russians….seriously….and half my posts go up protected from nonsubscribers so the audience is down to just about me here.
Farewell … its been a good 15 yrs of telling ya everything on my mind, I find it theraputic when I feel that the person I want to talk too isnt listening that I can say it here and maybe someone else will. It doesnt matter if Ive met you or will meet you it just feels good to thing someone understands you. 

39:17 Work Is Flying High, Cody Is Just Fucking Bizarre

First off pic I dont think Ive put pics up in ages…

Second off got another political candidate to help with SEO, sites and data. Thats fantastic as it pushes me up from an impressive week. With out the new client I’m already exceeding the $ I had with my last job. So I may just end up being self-employeed after all.
I do need an assistant or help. Often I find myself doing something to anyone else could be doing ( making documentation, copying files from here to there ) so I’m dead set on in 2 weeks getting aa steady side kick.

Finally…and I know…we thought it was all over and I’d finally move on right? Well, I’m getting wildly missed signals. Just enough to basically leave me in a web. Cody “moved” out .. granted it was 6 days later than expected but he kinda tossed it in my face that he did it for us, course he had already planned to do that before I asked him. He also didnt say he moved, he said he was at his grandmas…I said I had been at McDonalds but that didnt change my address.
Last weekend we all made it out, oldest to the newest of friends and Cody joined us much to my amazement Greg was wowed and said he got why I was so into him. He asked this weekend what COdy and I had done all week…NOTHING. I mean we havent seen each other since last weekend when he kinda said he loved me. Thats as far as he’s ever gone on emotion. We had a dramatic ride home where he exclaimed he was done because I was upset he was headed back to Seans and I mentioned I wanted him to move from there. He claimed I was bringing up the past…and I was like…what the fuck are you talking about? You literally are living with and at the past if we are moving forward. You can’t ride the middle of the fence. I created a stupid Facebook poll just so he could see I wasnt being unreasonable…70% of folks agreed hypothetically. He didn’t try to see me over the 4th but did watch fireworks with Seans family. He did invite me to go to Chicago this weekend with him and his family that I never got to meet but of course Sean did. I gladly accepted hoping that it would normalize our relationship…but fearful the last time we went I had the same hope and he just wasted the weekend. So … not sure what will happen but I’m going totally seperate and have my own plans … I’m going with or without him cause I made the plans already to go.
He also blocked me on Facebook then and said he was done. At that point it had been days since I had actually had any meaningful contact with him so another example of how I can’t fuck up or succeed with him…its literally just random actions.
I made a video of us … 100 or so pics and vids and put it to music…subtitles…sent him a draft of it and he said he cried. Now that wasnt enough to get him to see me.
Sunday he asked if I wanted to get together Monday … but before making plans he went silent again. He’ll do that…just 12 to 21 hours of no response. Says he is sleeping…7 days now…its fucking bullshit cause his Grindr has popped up at some apartments in Crescent Hill which he failed to mention. And we share locations of our phones and he spent most of Sunday at Dean’s whos the guy he used to hook up with right before we met…and never replied to me that day till this morning noting oddity in my message delivery (technical the phone dropped my messages in some folder which I assume is his way of saying he didnt know I was texting along last night ) I pointed out he would have if he had tried to message me. He also failed to mention Dean’s I assume he thought the location wouldnt update? Or he knew if just didnt mention it or reply to me and didnt think Id like to see him sooner than Dean would…talk about moving past the past.
I offered him to move in here and to help me with this work and then we’d pay all our bills from it and split the profits…or if he wanted security I could promise %500 a week…I mean I do need help he needs to have his own money…and we’d be a team succeeding together. He took days to get back to me and only asked about it after he said he was done with me. How do you ask if you’ve said you dont want to be with me? It was either he’s playing a game with saying he’s done…or he was willing to consider it for money. I mean…thats really making me feel secure.
So thats Cody and I. Its getting to the limit of if its worth trying to be with someone who sees everyone else and talks to everyone else but blocks me and ignores me but hands me little signs to keep me on the hook. If we dont workout it isnt because of what he did initially its how he has been since …