4:39

Ahhh….a peaceful sunday evening. I got up this morning and put my sunglasses on and drove with the windows down grinning in the spring air that was rushing in to the song…”boys of summer.”
Had lunch with darling Lyza. We compared notes as to what we both had done last night after we left “Salsa” she stayed behind and me and tristan ran off into the night to our element Connections.
Last night Tristan came over…and we watched a dvd…fun…kinda it was the 5th worst movie. lol…I have seen it 4 times this week…still die laughing. Space Mutiny. 🙂
Then we arrived at this bar that was having a Louisville Mojo 80’s party. Scarey here….I knew the DJ, the DJs buddy…and the bartender. 🙂 Then ran into an old friend from WKU whom I hadnt seen since 1997. The DJ thingy was actually funny…cause I guess I was up there talking to him enough that people thought I was the DJ. One guy was asking me to put on some slower dancing music…lol…I was like….”Like What?” and he takes my arms and starts slow dancing with me….lol…I was like….jesus, that str8 guy has no idea how drunk he is. But somewhere between “Girls just want to have fun” and our purple hooter shot I think Tristan slipped into a very comfortable mind set and started dancing forehead to forehead with me,…thats when I decided we should get into our element so the str8s werent threatened. Before we left we managed to get our picture taken a billion times. Mojo keeps a record i guess of its parties and posts the pics on the site…so maybe there will be some cute pics of us there.
At the bar in the bathroom was a guy I had helped at gateway…we all had thought he was gay but he had a wedding band on at the store….not at the bar,:-) He was nice enough to tell me I had a great butt…and for all his computer needs he’ll be back. lol….it will be funny telling the guys at work that he is infact…playing on my team. He is like my dads age, but seems sophisticated…to the point I wouldnt mind being him in 20 yrs.
So..its been a long time since I danced at the bar and gazed into the eyes of a REALLY cute guy that I could see was looking at me…not past me. POint here…not since Brandon have I been at the bar with a dateable interest that I felt others were jealous of us. Here are two cute guys…dancing…and actually showing their lip lock interest in each other.
We tipped the usual drag queens…and both shot off our hellos to our friends and such. I like that…I like dating a guy that can show his interest in me so that I dont worry but enjoy him saying hello to others.
Brandon sent me an email…inviting me to visit him in Nashville this week. I work each day, but may get a chance to get away? Who knows. Not interested in dating or sleeping with him…just interested to see a person who has in the past 6 years been at my side for 3. Its a good healthy relationship I think we have. Neither requires anything of the other…both watches out for the other…and we both are becoming more the people we should have been when we were together.
So got up this morning and walked Tristan out…that was the end of date 5. Which…is becoming milestonish. Cause I nor he seems to be losing interest. I’ll post some pictures of last night here very soon. Its a cute team.
For now I must sign off and go visit my father. He loaned my roomie some cash when I asked for it…and gonna pay him back for the roomie. Thats one thing I have to say about my father….he has taught me that money isnt anything if it cant be used to help those around you. His life lesson to me…be generous, and take care of your own. After i asked he said…”You need to watch out for your buds better Matt.” lol…I liked that…cause to him I think he was thinking “You need to take care of your friends before they have troubles.” Arty’s car had been towed so that was the issue there.
Well….I am signing off and wish you all the same peace I have right now.

4:38

So I am making dinner now.

I am going to try out for a reality TV show. Its perfect for me. The winner gets 200K and the losers get 500 bucks a show….so not too bad. It will be on showtime…so little limited audience…but who cares. More of an audience than the Matt Leffler show gets now.:-)

I am thinking of buying some more computer items. I need some awesome speakers for my desktop…the notebook stole the good ones. And wireless cards for the desktops. Do I need a digital camera? I mean I fell left out around my roommate and his multiple him pics of soft porn. 🙂 We may need to raise the bar.

I have a date with tristan tomorrow. 🙂 No idea where we are going…but that isnt the point. we could go to the post office and i think we’d have a good time.

Off sunday…cant wait. Oh hey..here is a link for you all

http://poststuff.entensity.net/030404/media.php?media=milkshake.wmv

4:37

Ahhh…the air is warm. The buds are visible on the trees. It is the end of winter and the beginning of spring. Cant wait for thunder..:-) I think I will go back on my plan not to have a gala. Just this year I think I want it more structured…less people that I DONT want there and more that I do. That was the annoying thing of last year….people that I dont regularly talk too…and people that I make it a point to avoid…just walking in the house and acting like we are friends. Don’t act…be truthful…we arent friends so go find someone else to suck the life from.

But in an uplifting way I am very happy with the day. I wanna go jogging tonight. 🙂 Arty is out of town which is fineola I think I’ll have a couple individuals over point being…its my space for the night…free of any other influences.

I am outa here. At work…and just grinning ear to ear as to the joy of my upcoming weekend.

4:36

Oh what a dangled web we weave when we practice to deceive. 🙂 Nothing is as simple as it seems. Luckily I continue to find a way to distance myself from the tragedy that is…avoidable.
Ever notice the people out there that admitt who they have slept with are kinda looked at as the sluts by the ones that wont admitt what they do? 🙂 Who has the credibility, class and honesty then? The ones that claim lame excuses and attempt to coverup their lives.
Its only dirty when you hide it. Its human when you admitt it. And you dont look like an idiot when the whole story is out. Oh well…some practice the art of misrepresentation…while others find light in the truth.
but on to my last evening…
went to tristans…we both had some really awesome talks. He admitted his truths..I did mine we agreed what was in the past was simply that. watched a movie…fell asleep and embraced as often as we could. I liked that alot. Nice to find attention readily available…nice to be able to find that occassionally….cuddles, a movie, and a person able to address his past. Strangely…you get to know these people so much faster…and value them more.
So…this posting is about honesty…to yourself and those around you. If you cant take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

4:35 Reprint but insightful

Its so odd I think how humanity can be so unhuman sometimes in its clinging to tradition and social norms. The discrace of chrisitanity in my mind is its hypocracy to its original message. Over these thousands of years I feel that man has tampered with the orginial natural law of life that our supremem being felt for us…for that reason I have a strong contempt for religion. That isnt to say I am not spiritual…I just look at those who claim god is loving and those that preach self will…while on the otherhand stand in judgement against something they have never understood…love. I look at them as children, afraid to question the way things are and ignorant of what the worlds joys are beyond their white bread breakfest nooks. Dont preach to me…I’ll bitch slap you and say god told me to do it. 🙂

ANY HOW…I’ve read this posting in multiple places here locally. It touches me just as a book I once read..”Prayers for Bobby.” opened my eyes and life to attempting to be the one that made it. I have a strong christian background and upbringing…one of ignorance and evil hatred of so many of the things that makes life…worth living. So…beyond suggesting you someday buy that book…here is the reprint.

The Plain Brown Rapper by carl brown

originally printed in LEO Weekly,

My son killed himself, I just learned, with a .357 magnum. Jeff was separated from his wife of 12 years. Overcome by despair, he took a gun to her office and threatened to kill himself if she didn’t come back to him. Instead, Jeff went home. And put a hole through his chest the size of a fist. A .357 magnum can do that. The coroner said Jeff never heard the shot that took his spirit into the void. Jeff was the son of my wife, a marriage that died 20 years ago. The law deemed him my stepson. My heart deemed him my son. The memories he gave me will last my lifetime. It aches writing this. But I must. For Jeff.

Let the simple words that follow erect a monument in print that will outlast this writer’s life.

Jeff stood tall and lean, a handsome young man of 18 some 21 years ago when we first met. My union with Sarah brought with it bouquets of blessings — the greatest being her three children.

My children. Jeff was my only son, my first son.

Blonde-haired, blueeyed with that wisp of a young man’s moustache, Jeff walked forward that day of our first meeting and shook my hand, hard, man to man. He looked me right in the eye, unaffected that he was meeting an elected
official and the Republican nominee for Congress. Jeff was showing me something, some inner masculine strength that shouted with unspoken whispers: “I don’t care about your station, your ambitions, your aspirations, Carl Brown. You are just a man, an older version of me. You are now my father. I can deal with that. Can you deal with me? As a man? As your son?”

Deep beneath the outward show of strength stood before me a young man who also yearned silently for his want to be wanted, need to be needed, love to be loved.

Jeff would deflect overt signs of tenderness from his mother, from me, with his wry wit, splendid sense of irony and shy smile. He could stop you dead with a joke he just heard. His infectious laughter could ignite a roomful of strangers. As he chauffeured me on the campaign trail, Jeff’s piercing intellect often gave me pause during that blistering hot campaign summer of 1982, pause to think about the observations of this young man who was barely old enough to vote. Jeff personified and voiced the idealism of youth hard tempered by the tough road he trod to maturity.

Jeff’s mother called me from California, racked with Catholic fear and guilt. “But, Carl, Jeff killed himself. He’s lost entrance to heaven. Suicide is the ultimate victory of despair, one of the seven mortal sins. He can’t even be buried in a Catholic grave …”

“Sarah, stop right there,” I said across 3,000 miles. “Some old, white medieval Catholic men at the Vatican put imprimatur on the socalled seven mortal sins, offenses against the almighty that send to hell those who break them. You know, I think there might be nine mortal sins. Maybe even 12.” I continued sardonically, trying to hammer with reducto ad adsurdum (reduce to absurdity) reasoning. The patriarchal Catholics just got it wrong. Lame theology.

“Sarah,” I said, “let me give you this mystic Christian’s take on suicide. Mine is a God of compassion. He loves us, really loves us, so much so he offered up his only son as a sacrifice for the raw sins of humanity for all time. “Don’t you know God looked down and saw the torture chamber pain that racked Jeff and understood it was too much for your son, our son, to bear? God just let Jeff come home early.” May God enjoy the excellent company of my son, Jeff, for the balance of eternity. Jeff was loved here and will be missed with the intensity of blue flame. It just looks like God gave Jeff a pass from pain, an early trip to some celestial mansion built for him, one of God’s children. Jeff, I miss you like the son you were. But I must release you to your true Father. He just needed you to come home.

4:34

b>The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell – the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Moderate
Level 7 (Violent) Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) High

Take the Dante’s Inferno Test

4:34

So I created my Launch Radio Station. at yahoo.com. User name Horizonmll. Its only 3 bucks a month and I get commercial free music based upon my ratings. Should help me also learn of new music that the computer thinks I’ll like. Will take a few hundred songs for me to hear but after that it should be pretty accurate I think?:-)
AXA Advisors has called me 3 times….well the Divisional Vice President. So I am faced with the awesome prospect of becoming a financial advisor…they’ll train me and get all my certifications. One thing on my side is I get to tell them that I have a really good job at Gateway that is paying me pretty well….so if they want to continue there dialogue they’ll need to beat the Gateway price for my time. 🙂
Arty has a job!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! This is good for me too cause I’ve been on my own wit the bills…and I mean it hasnt slowed down my evenings at the bar…but once we get pay backs I could easily go on a vacation….I have a coupon for 25% my favorite Chicago hotel…..GAWD I LOVE THAT TOWN. I am a midwest kinda boy. West Coast seems to fake, East Coast seems to cold and unpersonal. Midwest…to me is grounded, and still able to reach for the party. 🙂 I am off work the next two Sundays…so I bedating a mini-trip to Cincy or Nashvegas. Nashville seems to be the easiest plan….my exhusband Brandon has been planning on me coming down for sometime. Interestingly enough my first boyfriend 1998-2000 Kevin lives in Cincy. Might be interesting seeing how he has devolped into his life out side of Central City, KY.
My move to fulltime and benefits is 100% complete. One of the parttimers was like…how did he get fulltime? He has ben here the least amount of time. I was just like…well…I dont know. ( maybe its the quarter of a million in sales I have to my name in the short time i have worked there. Heck Feb. I was off for a week and still brought in more revenue than anyone else in computers. AND…this month we have started off well…12,000 thousand dollars in sales so far…I am truely in my element.
So gonna call Tristan today. He has been an absolute phenomenia to hang out with. Sunday we were sitting at this bar and it was obvious to our friends I think that there was a spark of desire. I feel realy comfortable with him, relaxed, and charmed. Charmed is the word. Not over-powered, ignored, or stalked…just under a happy spell. Bedroom habits he is a take charge kind of guy….which I am not used to being…and I must say its not all that bad at all. Put it this way…I felt relaxed enough to be standing in the door way to Steak and Shake in Indiana (hicks….oh so much more than KY) and didnt even think twice to kiss him. WOW….how awesome it is to be that focused on a moment and forget the world. Enchanted …. yes. So wonder what will go wrong on this…lol.
SO…..what can go better? Money: you have food and the ability to go out town if you can find the time. JOb: The junior employee is outselling every person there…some who have been there for 6 years! You are getting rewarded for it too. Roommate is stabilizing nicely and the home therefore is a strong foundation being formed. Relationship: You have found a guy whom you dont mind handing over control too…friends: as in every part of my life…remain my hopes and dreams.
And all this is brought on by….just being the person you want to be. No drugs…as some may know I once had a little problem their…but I relaized that I was moving no where in life. Sure I was feeling fantastic at a party and meeting new people….but it was Tuesday night and the rest of the world was passing me by. I almost feel like in the past year and a half I have made up for the lost time…I have something to take pride in and I have people to rejoice with….and the chemical release in my head is a product of happiness. 🙂