Wouldn’t this have been the perfect song for me to sing. But based on yesterday I’d be the only one singing it so something lost when something has been gained.
So I donāt know if Iām being romantic or if Iām being dramatic. Manipulative or brinkmanship (Cody is brinkmanship all the way) but until we know motives ourselves who can be sure. I just know a few points that Iām going to see through this weekend.
1. When someone is sorry for something they change their behavior.
Friends have said āsorryā but what have they changed? How have they corrected the imbalance in lifeās direction that they had a hand in creating? Right now one of my best friends says heās sorry for āhis mistakeā but is he? He hasnāt changed anything…and his mistake was multiple episodes of betrayal, only coming to light by others confessions. Heās really not acknowledged what his mistake was…was it fucking the man I loved? Was it fucking him more than once? Was it lieing to me about it? Was it when he moved him into his home? What was the mistake heās sorry for and whatās he done to right it? Nothing and thatās what heās been the first to tell me, nothing.
So I think we see where this has to go.
2. The past can hold you captive.
Can I move forward with someone given our past? I can, but can they? If they canāt you canāt move on together. Each time my ex feels defensive he tosses the parts of our relationship in my face that weāve agreed to move past. I decided last night to respond with the damning truth from the past and he didnāt like hearing it. I donāt usually remind him about what he has done. Thereās nothing productive of reliving hurtful moments unless you want to cling to those past grievances to protect you from future ones. Of course this protection comes at the cost of any future together. The safety of knowing what you donāt like in the past may be worth more to you than the risk of it happening again. But youāll never know.
3. If he is always leaving you why are you asking him to do it again?
Iām exhausted, Iām not happy and Iām obsessed. I see myself texting the tenth time and think, this is what it is…you canāt will it differently. Iāve laid my cards on the table. He seems to be holding back and hesitating. He withdraws to his familiar places and those donāt include me. He isnāt changing his behavior, heās still always right, Iām apparently still always wrong, heās still living where he wants and heās still leaving me on a whim which is leaving me unable to predict the next day.
4. No one will love someone who is insecure with being loved.
Heās really good at good byes. Heās so practiced with them that you can just scroll up a few days and see how he doesnāt want you anymore and that your lucky heās offering friendship. Thatās making me insecure in my place in his life. He has degraded us to the point that Iām not sure if I can see past the goodbyes.
I want too but I freak out when Iām asked to take him home, and that Home includes the āfriendā who betrayed me by trying to replace me. Now Iāve been told no one is trying to replace me, but from where I sit in every and I mean every function this person has stepped up to fill my shoes in my exes life. So he has…and Iām insecure about it and I make comments about it that arenāt comments their indirect generalizations that make me look like an asshole. I donāt want that but I also canāt accept that Sean is taking my place when he leaves me. It may not be sexual anymore, but it was and with trust no longer on anyoneās side do we really want to rely on the thing we are supposed to build before it is built? So to build trust ya canāt test it after breaking it.
I want to be happy. And I canāt be happy when I am damaging the image of my love each time I get hurt returning him to that house.
Sean: I wonāt be friends with someone who isnāt a friend to me. His honesty has been secondhand and since his mistake he hasnāt changed anything to my knowledge. Heās shown he doesnāt care, and Iām sure I wonāt be missed. ✌️
Cody: I canāt move forward with him if heās living with Sean. I canāt be a better boyfriend to him than I was if I canāt feel secure with him. He has made attempts at showing me he cares, but I kinda feel like itās really small and only after grand gestures from me🤕. I donāt think heās trying to be hurtful I think he just thinks this is the way to stay safe.
He says actions are what he believes in and he questions mine intensely but I point out he doesnāt give me much to hold on too. 🤷♂️ I try not to guess what his motives are in his actions. Iāve been told to never assume I know how someone feels, and to be direct and honest with them. 🤤 I listen to his words…and I count his silence even louder than his actions. His words are generally unsupportive of reconciling I do feel like his actions are supportive but then he seems to feel vulnerable and I watch him running away.
So Iām trying a big gesture and taking Cody to Chicago today. He needs to get away, he needs to get somethings figured out for him and I know where up there to get him help. But then after this I think Iāll step back and give him the room to make his choices for himself and find his way.
And itāll be better for me short term and long term. If I want to move on this is what I gotta do…If I want him this is also what I have to do.
Change has to come somewhere to change things.