39:16 Its the hard way but its the right way

So after a weekend of redoing a reconciliation the ex redid the need for a reconciliation. And he said “I’m done” and that I dont understand…his great change though was to stop weekly blocking my texts when I ask that he be an active member of this partnership. Now he doesnt block them he just doesnt read them. Its the same and nothing changed but the color of Cause he hasnt been he is a part time participant not a full time active equal member of us. He claims he’s got this issue and that to stop him from making progress and blocking his ability to be a reliable lover. He just doesnt want too. I think he knows this could be something but he may just not be able to stand up and put himself into it. Meanwhile I’m torn every week…I get maybe 3 days of what I need and then at least 4 days of damage control and struggling to get him to show any effort.

So he’s done. And I mean that like Joe Warring style. Whats that? Another ex of mine would weekly break up with me and finally one weekend I said yes you are done. Take your issues and go, a week later he acted like we were fine and I said no, you said we’re done and I cant be with anyone who gives up so regularly. He learned hopefully for future relationships that unless you’re actually done you can’t say you are … or the other person may gain some self respect and hold you to your decision.

So at the end of this … I love someone who wasn’t able to show up for us. I’m mad too…the longer this goes on the more mad I’m getting and the more damage HE is doing to us. All he has to do is be excited about me like I am about him, but he isn’t so the only thing I can do is to disappear…to make him disappear from my life. The last legacy of his touch to my life is ultimately going to be negative. If I allowed myself to feel the full effect of his role in my life I’d probably not trust anyone and become basically what he is … but I can’t become him. Lonely and unavailable to others, missing opportunities to make my life better with someone as a team…thats not going to be me. It doesnt have to be him either … but its been his choice … and its his choice to undo it if he wants to matter in my life.

Goodbye Cody Garner, you’ve been headed for the door for months and I’m not stopping ya from leaving anymore.

39:15 Leffler luck

I dont know if its karma or what I’m gonna call Leffler Luck. I finished my Norton interview … the 3rd and found that there is a 4th…at the glacier pace that Norton moves that means at least 3 4 weeks until that job may come together. I have a couple strong clients through Upwork though that continue to keep the lights on, but I’m not a guy who wants to keep the lights on I want to build the largest array of light and hold a party…speaking of which I may try and do something for the 4th. Last year we mildly set Tyler park on fire with our illegal display…:-) running from the cops. 🙂 But I’m off topic I got a a job right up my alley from the state of Kentucky…didnt get it but they called me so thats a good sign, interviewing tomorrow I’d be a technical trainer for them in house. I also am looking at a good job for me with the city and Brent messaged to ask about how it was progressing and he said he would look into the process for me. Its nice to have a councilman helping ya get employed. That job is also an exciting prospect…I like the title. 😉 Anyhow I fell a tad behind on rent and was stressing up until today I just happened to check the mail which I never check the mail and Kentucky has finally decided to give me my refund. Rent is covered for another month. Its funny cause I sent my taxes in Jan 31 and it was hap hazard with errors but after I redid the math correctly I think they would have owed me more … and 5 months later I think they realized that too and just cut the check.
I always land on my feet. I dont know if its my smarts but I’d like to think its karma. Ive got a good circle of friends, often house guests…( selena still counts ) and at the end of the day I generally go to bed knowing that tomorrow I’ll get up and keep it all going till I launch back into my comfort zone.
Leffler Luck.

39:14 What can ya do?

So I’m coming to terms with the status quo…I know I’ve said it before but hey grief of losing someone has several stages and ya bounce around in them.

Denial – when I say to myself I love him and he loves me so all we need is for one of us to do some romantic gesture and the other one will follow and we’ll live happily ever after, we just have to get through this and communicate and love will move mountains to bring us back together.
Its a sweet thought but based on all communication and all actions this isn’t a case of two people in love. Its shown to be one sided and unattractive on my part. Its likely just damaging my prospects with others and its inviting more and more hardship.

Anger – How could he treat me so badly? Doesn’t he know what I’ve done and he repays it like this? He lives with the guy he initially did all of this with to me…and makes me take him back there and pick him back up just reminding me that he doesn’t want to be here. So I get angry…I also came to the realization he slept with two of my friends, more than once. Its not a mistake when it is repeated and nothing is done to change the way he’s lived since then. It was to get back at me? Ya know … I left him taken care of and lets pretend I left and went up to Chicago and spent it sleeping with an ex. We were broken up after being in an open relationship. He had disappeared for five days at a guys house that he used to sleep with. Does that give him the right to sleep with my friends? I dont think so…but heres the catch, it actually doesn’t upset me…I really did forgive him cause I decided he was more important than who he hooked up with … but since that weekend he’s consistently acted like he doesn’t want to fix things. We’ve had a few good days here and there but then those were lost … I felt like we most recently repaired our issues but then he woke up…complained that there wasnt anything to drink at my house and announced his need to go back to Seans. I flipped sure. We were supposed to go to Chicago and he has a history of ignoring me when there so what about our trip? He said he needed to do laundry … but it was an over night trip. I over reacted but he left me hanging and made me take him back to the place that our relationship died.

Depression – I went a week without joing, or having sex … no desire. I went several days just sleeping…what was the point of doing anything? If I tried to move on he’d think I wasn’t into him anymore, he had already said that he couldnt believe I wanted him and was seeing other people. I wrote letters and talked to friends, created a playlist of breakup music ( Its on spotify welcome to sample my Cody tunes ) … yelled at my dog and just stopped trying.

Bargaining – If he’d only talk to me I’d fix his problems. If he’d move in with me I’d take care of him and he could live his life. If he’d date me again we could have threeways together. We can watch our favorite show and he’d give me time to be around him.

Acceptance – Well … this is it. He’s not talking to ya, he’s living over there. He’s never said he loves ya. His future plans don’t include me. I’ve made a fool of myself and this break up is close to out living the relationships duration…this is the end of my 30s and I’m acting like I’m in my early 20s. He’s consistent and he’s resolute…I’ve been needy and begging and thats not ever going to serve me well whether we get back together or dont. ( Dont worry that was too much denial…leaving a path open that we could get back together…its just no matter what, I need to be Matt Leffler … he’s not a wreck, he does things fair and he’s kind but he also isn’t pathetic.

Time to accept that this isn’t me and he has my number…if he wanted to be near me, he would be…and I can’t and shouldn’t try to change where he wants to be. I just need to be with folks who want to be with me, one thing I know … after folks part, they dont discover they were meant to be together…the more time apart the less chance they’ll find each other again. Thats why I had such urgency and such a drive to fix things, time heals all wounds … but it also doesn’t bring people back together. But both need to want it, one pushing and scratching his way into the others life … does no one good and it doesnt do a relationship justice. So I’m back to early May when I was told to lose his number I suppose.

I didnt turn my back on love though! I fought…I was open and honest and I compromised and I forgave. I forgave. So I think I did all I could.

39:13 Brinkmanship

Brinkmanship – the art or practice of pursuing a dangerous policy to the limits of safety before stopping, typically in politics.

When you ignore people and issues with brinkmanship as your policy you aren’t anymore safe and things aren’t anymore less likely to end in the worst possible scenario.

I don’t care.
I’m not going to discuss this with you.
You can do whatever you like.

All great ways to show ya either don’t care (you said it) or you’re prepared to love everything by taking it all to the brink of disaster.

Living with the person you slept with to get back at me is also a whole new ball game. I can’t see any future with me in it when I have to be reminded of what happened because of your choices of roommate.

39:12 Got my answers in Chicago…Cody Wins

I’m not kidding…I have never felt so badly treated by someone. He went sure…but that was a mistake…just as he said on the trip. 4 times. We were there for 28 hours and he was asleep for 12. We werent even together for several hours of it. So of the couple hours we had together he was able to tell me he wished he was somewhere else.
We went no where. We saw nothing. I went ahead and tried to step out of the hotel and at least see one friend and walk her dogs with her.
We had only minutes of good time together. He made me realize I didnt want this for another minute, I drove home and asked Selena to drive him home. I wasn’t going to strand him but I didnt owe him another minute of my life. With that said I still love him so of course his memory is going to get more minutes than he would give me. I do still believe he wants us, but he wont treat me any better than what he thinks I’m going to treat him like…and he apparently thinks I’m a monster. Cause thats how he treated me. Maybe I’m just a fool and he really does hate me…either way I need to focus on positive energy. Always the chance that every other guy that was so bad to him was actually just in his head and this is how he’s always treated people.
I never had a chance to fuck up or be the great guy. He picked everything and I felt like it was kinda designed to let me know it would be hell if I didn’t do exactly what he wanted and when he wanted. I never had a chance.
Maybe someday he’ll realize how cowardly he has been and how much love he tossed aside…if he doesn’t I’m at least not there taking it anymore.

39:11 Loving enough to let ya go.

Wouldn’t this have been the perfect song for me to sing. But based on yesterday I’d be the only one singing it so something lost when something has been gained.

So I don’t know if I’m being romantic or if I’m being dramatic. Manipulative or brinkmanship (Cody is brinkmanship all the way) but until we know motives ourselves who can be sure. I just know a few points that I’m going to see through this weekend.

1. When someone is sorry for something they change their behavior.

Friends have said “sorry” but what have they changed? How have they corrected the imbalance in life’s direction that they had a hand in creating? Right now one of my best friends says he’s sorry for “his mistake” but is he? He hasn’t changed anything…and his mistake was multiple episodes of betrayal, only coming to light by others confessions. He’s really not acknowledged what his mistake was…was it fucking the man I loved? Was it fucking him more than once? Was it lieing to me about it? Was it when he moved him into his home? What was the mistake he’s sorry for and what’s he done to right it? Nothing and that’s what he’s been the first to tell me, nothing.
So I think we see where this has to go.

2. The past can hold you captive.
Can I move forward with someone given our past? I can, but can they? If they can’t you can’t move on together. Each time my ex feels defensive he tosses the parts of our relationship in my face that we’ve agreed to move past. I decided last night to respond with the damning truth from the past and he didn’t like hearing it. I don’t usually remind him about what he has done. There’s nothing productive of reliving hurtful moments unless you want to cling to those past grievances to protect you from future ones. Of course this protection comes at the cost of any future together. The safety of knowing what you don’t like in the past may be worth more to you than the risk of it happening again. But you’ll never know.

3. If he is always leaving you why are you asking him to do it again?

I’m exhausted, I’m not happy and I’m obsessed. I see myself texting the tenth time and think, this is what it is…you can’t will it differently. I’ve laid my cards on the table. He seems to be holding back and hesitating. He withdraws to his familiar places and those don’t include me. He isn’t changing his behavior, he’s still always right, I’m apparently still always wrong, he’s still living where he wants and he’s still leaving me on a whim which is leaving me unable to predict the next day.

4. No one will love someone who is insecure with being loved.

He’s really good at good byes. He’s so practiced with them that you can just scroll up a few days and see how he doesn’t want you anymore and that your lucky he’s offering friendship. That’s making me insecure in my place in his life. He has degraded us to the point that I’m not sure if I can see past the goodbyes.
I want too but I freak out when I’m asked to take him home, and that Home includes the “friend” who betrayed me by trying to replace me. Now I’ve been told no one is trying to replace me, but from where I sit in every and I mean every function this person has stepped up to fill my shoes in my exes life. So he has…and I’m insecure about it and I make comments about it that aren’t comments their indirect generalizations that make me look like an asshole. I don’t want that but I also can’t accept that Sean is taking my place when he leaves me. It may not be sexual anymore, but it was and with trust no longer on anyone’s side do we really want to rely on the thing we are supposed to build before it is built? So to build trust ya can’t test it after breaking it.
I want to be happy. And I can’t be happy when I am damaging the image of my love each time I get hurt returning him to that house.

Sean: I won’t be friends with someone who isn’t a friend to me. His honesty has been secondhand and since his mistake he hasn’t changed anything to my knowledge. He’s shown he doesn’t care, and I’m sure I won’t be missed. ✌️

Cody: I can’t move forward with him if he’s living with Sean. I can’t be a better boyfriend to him than I was if I can’t feel secure with him. He has made attempts at showing me he cares, but I kinda feel like it’s really small and only after grand gestures from me🤕. I don’t think he’s trying to be hurtful I think he just thinks this is the way to stay safe.

He says actions are what he believes in and he questions mine intensely but I point out he doesn’t give me much to hold on too. 🤷‍♂️ I try not to guess what his motives are in his actions. I’ve been told to never assume I know how someone feels, and to be direct and honest with them. 🤤 I listen to his words…and I count his silence even louder than his actions. His words are generally unsupportive of reconciling I do feel like his actions are supportive but then he seems to feel vulnerable and I watch him running away.

So I’m trying a big gesture and taking Cody to Chicago today. He needs to get away, he needs to get somethings figured out for him and I know where up there to get him help. But then after this I think I’ll step back and give him the room to make his choices for himself and find his way.

And it’ll be better for me short term and long term. If I want to move on this is what I gotta do…If I want him this is also what I have to do.

Change has to come somewhere to change things.

39:10 A million dreams

Past few days I’ve leaned on the ex, and talked while listened to music or watching our show…he fell asleep on the couch I asked him to join me in the bed and in a rarity he did … asked if I could cuddle and he pulled my hand in … it seemed more intimate than I’m used too. At one point I was just laying back downstairs, eyes closed just listening to him talk … I honetly dont know what we were talking about because all I was doing was listening to his laugh, and enjoying that I could hear him talking again. I used too tell him he talked too much while I was working…but I worked for days so it wasn’t like he deserved it.

I’m still pretty intently upset with my “friends” and especially the one who keeps downgrading his “mistake” that “might have caused you any trouble.”  I told him I was trying to not think bout him fucking my bf. Told him the words he was using made me feel like he didnt get how serious what he had done was …. that in the end I can’t be friends with him. After 20 yrs of friendship, knowing him since he was in high school…the fact that he went for it I could forgive. I did forgive. But when he moved my guy out of my home into his and got him to work with him he had done more than a mistake. He had attempted to replace me in all avenues and all routes. Now he is the single biggest threat to my dreams and I can’t be friends with someone who is actively in the way of everything.

Its because of our freindship I tried to forgive him, but his lack of acknowledgment of what he is doing and what he has done….its all I can do to not punch him and then kick the shit out of him…I mean…fight club style.  He needs someone to teach him that its not okay, but I’m going to just say our friendship is the only thing that has been beating into the ground.

I’ve tried to pull my ex out to go with me to Chicago, its a hail Mary pass.  He went back to Sean today…told me to text him tomorrow. Tomorrow was when we were suppsoed to go … so a text kinda stung especially when I could have done anything with him but he wanted to do it with my new found enemy.  He never said he wanted to go still….just offered an invite to text.

Are either worth all of this? Yes…one the other gets to live untouched, unevening of the score. He’s free to be just as bad of a person as he was a friend just not around me anymore.

Bored outa me gord

I am pretty chipper about a lot of stuff but just overly annoyed at work.  Feelings about petty new rules that aren’t performance based or directed to improve work … favoritism abounds beyond the job done if it weren’t for me being over paid compared to other employeers I’d prolly move on.  Things just are changing around here and the tilt towards some continues to increase in angle.  So … I have done two things to help change this circling drain effect.  I signed up for several days off next month to give me some immediate relief.  

I was recently readmitted to WKU and plan to take a few gen ed courses that I still need and then this summer I’ll start their online program that ends up giving me a BA in IT.  Should really take just about a year?  With that I’ll be able to step out of this place.  Its a permenate long term improvement aspect.  I already have somewhere around 80 hours so the completion of this is just stupidly obvious in need.  Plus since I have so much extreme amounts of down time at work that I am not allowed to do anything within but read …. this will be the excellent time to tackle this endeavor.  Plus the BA will be positive to any desired move to Chicago at some point.   Plus an MS in IT wouldnt be bad to have after that and not to far from it.  

Then comes Iraq.  Obviously I am against it ever happening but you know they are paying people extreme mad money to go over there and live in a crazy wild environment.  I’m kinda bored here in Louisville, but stay cause…but then I could work for KBR and do IT work for them over there and still complete my WKU degree online and then arrive home in say a year with over a grand and a hell of an experience.  So I went on and applied for the job.  First time I submitted my resume and had to complete a questionaire asking if I understood that I’ll be staying in an area “may be dangerous and are subject to random gun fire, rocket propelled grenades and mortar rounds.”  But I’d be in an IT capacity there so i think the excitement would mostly be for others.  Plus heck some guy was strangled to death 40 feet from my desk this weekend while I was working.  So … bring it.  Plus I’d come home with a tan.  It is like a beach resort mixed with summer camp and some random terrorist.