34:12 The Testament Gets a Bit Quieter

Public Entry

Thanks you’ve found my journal but at this point all entries since 2003 are now friends only or my private reading.  I have a knack of talking and running my mouth on here so no need in providing someone with this info if I don’t have a reason to trust that open dialogue.   No situation arised I just like being able to say what I want without worry to who may see it.  


34:11 Matt Leffler’s Best of 2007

So everyone else seems to be doing it but I think I wanna make my own list. 

Matt Leffler’s

Best Quote of the Year

“Don’t Tase me, Bro” was catchy but he kinda asked for it and if your gonna act like a fool with the police, asking them not to tase you while your resisting isn’t probably gonna do anything. If I had been there I’d say “Tase the bitch again and get him out of here.” It was Yale’s #2 that I thought should be number 1. Why we can’t find the U.S. on a map.  (they apparent told her if she doesnt know the answer to a question just reuse words in the question pop a “such as” in when you need time to think and pepper a little South Africa in there.  Then something great came out: 
I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh…people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and…I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our…
Damn isn’t he still cute.  🙂  

Anyhow ... Best Coming Out.      Jodie Foster, no … Senator Craig who is not and never was gay, no …. my FAV … 🙂

Ted Haggard.  I know, it was in November that the allegations came out that he was having sex with a male hooker and buying meth from him but as you may recall he denied the hooker sex and admitted to the meth.  So coming out as buying meth was better than boy sex.  ( I had an ex like that but anyhow ) he entered treatment for the homoways and on Feb 6 2007 Rev Tim Ralph declared him “completely hetersexual” upon the conclusion of intensive therapy.  So … He cam e out as a druggie, a fag and then a completely rehabiliated str8.  Wonder if the therapy included anything for the drugs?  Anyhow…love them evangelicals. 

Best Britney VMA Parody

This one with a crazy guy in a wig imposed over Britney.  🙂  lol … 

Best Candidate for President

Stephen Colbert the man smart enough to suggest he would like his name spelt Barack Clinton on the Ballot.

Hottest Boy

James Franco – it is no surprise he seems to get his dark chizzled hot looks from that Russian descent it is surprising that he used to work at McDonald’s.  Neat enough he is supposed to play the lover of Harvey Milk (the first openly elected gay politician in the U.S. who was later assassinated by City Supervisor Dan White)   Physically he has the whole spectrum of what I like, the lips the eye brows the hair and that smile.  Not muscular but also not a pencil.  I just can’t understand how it took me so long to watch the movies he was in, just known of him this year but went on a Netflix kick to catch up.

Best Picture

I totally agree with the Academy.  The Departed  nuff said.

Well I’m bored with these so now I am gonna go smoke.

34:08 silent desire in my heart

one of the last things others would say about me i think is how i want at my wedding.  I hope that sooner than later … maybe in my thirties I’ll find someone I can celebrate a song that I’ve loved since highschool when I started a petition to ask our orchestra director to teach us the song.  ( she tour it up in class … spawning my activiest mind)  i tried to stick this in my last entry but it pissed off my journal, so here is a friends only posting that is important to me but more important to me is the last posting.  I try to explain actions on my part that are out of character for my life and recent decisions that don’t keep with recent times.  

34:07 Promises and my past few months….then the night

***Disclaimer – the following includes speculative statements concerning my perception of several relationships and events that include very little formal training and are built upon simple educated gut feelings by someone who only has 90 hours towards a degree in public relations. Also I tried to place three embedded media items into this and Live Journal fucked them all up. Forgetting one and then losing half my entry. So I reinserted my entry…and there is just one embedded item so lets hope this sticks. I’d rather my hearts words stood than the commercialized media.(Um…reinserted and it Jumped up at the bottom. The song goes with the beginning. Sorry. Thanks Live Journal!”

Like Matt from another day made a perfect retrospective play list for me today. I messaged the one I kinda feel like I wronged and he didn’t respond. I know he had to have gotten it cause he and I were online on the same site and I received no response. I feel like my original failure wasn’t the final blow to him, but that I was dating someone else who seemed to not want me to talk to him … and I stopped. And as any one who tries to force you to ignore important forces of your past, he was gone … and … for the first time in a decade so was the one I had made that promise too.

Years pass … and the one that seemed to require the cutting of those ties has long been gone, and the one who I cut also has been gone.

People seem to cut ties in two situations. Either out of weakness due to external forces ( bad idea ) and due to strength and confidence in their own self worth ( good plan ). Basically broken down … you cut off someone of worth cause you didnt step up against someone else, or you cut off someone cause you feel good about yourself.

Brandon I owe so much of an apology too. This is the only person who attempted to give me a peice of his soul to get me to carry him to the end of time, and vice versa.

Weirdly … six months ago I was basically at the end of my rope, figurative and on one morning actually. I can talk about this easily now, thus I will. I remember one night recently a guy walked up to me and said so how are you doing? I heard you weren’t doing to good. I was drunk and in a group of others…and in a jovial way, I responded … ” You mean when I was trying to kill myself? I’m past that now.” The group wasn’t ready for that, nor was the asker … but I have to say … I am kinda lucky that I was at that point, cause those around me at that time also weren’t. With in a period of 5 weeks or so I had unsuccessfully tried to kill myself, each time failing … but each time getting closer and better. First try breaking a cieling fan in an attempted “test” hanging … second a totally ineffective over dose, and finally … taking every pill I could find, and waking up to vomit everywhere thinking that it was my roommates until I realized it was twenty hours later and to vomit started in my bed and lead into other rooms. At that moment I realized that for the first time in my life…I had apparently been moving and acting trying to throw up in the bathroom from my room with no higher cognitive function. No memory, no realization … just sedated brain functions and animalistic lower brain function attempts of purging what was bad. Waking up the next day to discover my messy decision … waking up and discovering my state of being simply alone. My cry for help or my attempt of ending what I was no longer content with dealing with … the wellbutrin, paxil, and zoloft didn’t numb my distaste for an underline sadness…that night…they helped press it and the “friends” were yet again absent.

Sorry but I kinda have to say that looking back previous to this the support the interest of others was absent. The flooded apartment and denial of refuge, the loss of the strongest love of my life and careless disregard of others, the multiple family members in my life facing bad situations of cancer, the loss of financial control … and … the real lack of compassion the dissassociation of needed friendship … all lead to me finding that my stock was invested in non-return individuals. I made some stupid decisions and it lead to me downing every pill I could find … and in these instances, the only reason I didnt do myself in was my own stupidity, not the caring hand of those I trusted.

So I stopped the zoloft. I stopped the paxil and the wellbutrin … I tried to take my own life into my hands, and not trust it to a colored pill. Seriously I had to have known underliningly what I was thinking to continue to seek this and that help from a doctor’s perscription. I should have been a classic case of losing it. Heck even some guy who reads my journal who didn’t know me at the time left a sobering yet still unhelpful negative comment on my journal that I shouldn’t date but seek medical attention.

But for me … the difference was made. The pills have been ignored (walgreens has a crap load of refills available with no desire from me) and I’ve grown extremely in recent months to the point that I have pride again and in that pride.

I have changed and realigned who I want to see on my nights off. I’ve found myself called to the side of others in their hard times and I’ve put my clothes on and in multiple situations looked at someone and told them at the scene that it will be all right, and that I’m there and we can do this. And those people kinda helped me cause I think personality wise I need to be needed, I thrive with people who have out of the blue called to me to help them with no benefit to myself…and I like answering those calls. I guess … some people made me feel needed when those I needed made me feel ignored? I stopped taking the drugs that would hide my dispair and rather I faced those issues. I improved my life and found myself feeling pride in my existence. And that lead to another action:

For the first time in a couple years … I was sincerely taking pride in myself. I feel good about where I am, I feel charged and I am not on anti depressants. It isn’t a day to day struggle. It is a day to day feeling of confidence. Instead of being prone to anger at the bar with others, I saw myself ready to enjoy the time and situations of others. The best lesson I learned after Brent ditched me … was from my DUI counseling … which we connected to my experience there … a formerly confident guy losing it all, searching for affirmation from others and filling that lose with booze and reckless behavior. Landing in jail twice and in counseling. Watching these addicts and coming to a realization that y issue wasn’t drinking, but self worth … which was a first for me cause for so many years I’d built so much confidence and seemingly lost it when I moved from the Carsyle and that lifestyle and losing more when I dated Brent. Wasn’t his fault but at that moment I was already pointed down and I couldnt wrap myself around the idea that he wanted me and the paranoia grew to a self fullfilling aspect and only further lead to a greater destruction of self worth. Is it my growing confidence that has allowed me to cut off communication with others? POINT? I lost my direction and many people around whether they had known me a long time or a short time didn’t see my continuing loss of personal altitude. At least I assume they didnt recognize it, otherwise if they did … they really failed me, lets hope for some self gain otherwise…for nothing.

Then the fog cleared. The persciptions simplified and the hurt was faced … but at this point, I realized the path I chose was y own fault and totally attackable and the people around who were bystanders became my enemy. I looked at this close friend and that one and couldn’t see where they had let me fall so far. I realize in one entry in this journal I pointed out this song “Let Me Fall Cirque Du Soleil” … but sometimes even then we need others. And I doubt those around heard that absolution. I was so focused on my declining self … and they stood back to allow it … and now … luckily … I feel like Mike Huckabee.

Recently I’ve made decisions to cut off with almost all the central people around during my descent into self exploration. Some of these figures weren’t really hard to adapt to a lose of … I mean, it is pretty easy to pave over someone who you have learned not to expect much from. Harder is to replace the time you spent with someone a lot, but it is easier when you know they weren’t around when you were happy and that there loyalty isn’t your happiness. Perhaps due to there own destructive behavior. Maybe we are drawn to people who are equally displaced by their vision and desire for themselves and their distaste for reality? I do remember in my counseling sessions for my DUI the big grand puuba of knowledge … telling me … when your happy with yourself you’ll attract people siply because of that. Taking it another step further … maybe while we are upset with ourselves we attract people who aren’t happy with themselves as well? Maybe thats why they don’t see you at your ends … because they are on the same spiral? So then we have to make a triage decision … do we become self aware of our situation and want to improve, and notice our friends? Or do we pull up and save ourselves. But when you find your on the wrong way how do you see others ways as being wrong? Same can be applied to being happy and not realizing your friend is hurting as I have passed judgement on already in this entry.

I guess what is best is what is known to you and when you feel good and you feel your better off without others … you gotta pursue it. An oldy that makes me think about this is …. (Ignore the video and pictures)

Conclusion: – =

I don’t know all the PSY aspects of this world or relationships. But what I do know is: Sometimes we are picked up by the people around us, and sometimes they save us. And sometimes we are lifted up by something else and we cut ties, cause … the times we spent together aren’t the future we want for ourselves. I don’t hate, I wish the best … but I feel good for the first time in awhile and I don’t want around me elements that bring to mind hardship and disdain. Straight up … I don’t hate Derrick and Curt, but I don’t associate them to where I want to be in the future. I’m fine showing cordial warmth but I have bigger plans for myself than what I think they see for me and I really feel strongly still that I’m happier and better focused with minimal contact and the expectation that I can’t rely on them. At least from where I stand there is love, but one that doesn’t include an expectation of consitency. Why does it matter to me to think about it now? Cause I have believed in a culture of inclusion and I’m not good at letting go…but I’m learning a new lesson.

And bring it back to the beginning … you can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself. And … while I whine a lot about Brent, I forget the real promise I made and built with Brandon … the only other human that I stood next to and claimed to love for three years, and … who I failed. Has he made the decision to let me go? Or do I need to force my way back?

…then the night:
(don’t worry I am getting tired and bored with typing now)
I looked up one of my favorite songs that reinds me of a goal and of happiness. Canon in D minor. I searched youtube for Canon in D … and the first hit was the same title but “major” and as an old musician who played the song for years I immediately scoffed … it’s in D minor. MINOR. Sorry but to listen to a song titled Major when it is a minor scale is just too much for me. I hate that the first thing that pops up is some crap that says major … to me it says … “I don’t know music or the song.” BUT … Had a good Monday night. Found myself on the couch watching TV then minutes later on my way to Lexington. Telling multiple friends I approve of their boys … by phone and in person.

Then launching onto the Lexington scene … at a cute moment tonight I was asked if I saw anyone I liked … and I was like “That boy, that one, that one or that one.” Pointing each time and ending in my friends laughing. Finally looking across the room and noticing a cute boy who winked at me. I glance back to demonstrate I noticed but don’t wink cause I worry I’ll look foolish … what if he wasn’t looking at me?

Then my friends were at the bathroom door and so was the boy. So I walked over, talked to the friends….turn and talk to the boy….and in 3 minutes am making out with the boy in the bathroom. He says … which could be real, but “If I told you I think I am already in love with you would you think I am stupid?” I look in the eyes and reply “Your either perfect for me and we are set for life, or using a tired line.” Night progresses and I simply progress to a different bathroom and lock with this guy and make out and hands move here and there and he says what he says and I pull away … pointing out the unsanitary bathroom environment and he points out his undieing devotion and I close back in and pull away in a few minutes. Ravaged, but guarded … I say … lets move on from tonight, lets make a date and lets get back to the world…and he says I wont call him so this is the moment, and I get his number and call him and then … as he is moving to unbutton my pants, I leave the bathroom and tell him … I will call.

We’ll see. But I don’t think he felt love. But he was very cute. I will admitt that.

34:05 Give me a break…and a flip note

 This is a quick yet seedy posting.  If you see someone on a web site that is an obvious hook up site……(obvious can be easy distinguished by the lack of chat rooms) don’t message your friends with “hey how are you doing messages.”  In the old days fags hooked up in bath houses and parks, and if you were walking by you didnt yell into the woods….”Hey bob how are you?” If you noticed his car.  It is stupid.  It comes down to common sense.  Lets try a quick workshop here …. 
Bob has never hit on you.  Bob is on a site tonight.  The site doesn’t ask what music you like…it does ask how big is your penis and how do you like to use it?  You see Bob on it.  Now….do you message Bob who you have met in person and say how are you doing?  ………….   Answer ……….. NO.  Bob isn’t looking to be bothered and yes annoyed by you. If he was you’d find him on a site that included a chat room.  But sites such as Manhunt and Adam4Adam don’t have chat rooms.  And sure some idiots suggest they are there just for chat but lets face it, there aren’t any chat rooms on these sites.  SO……gay etique seems to not suggest this so I will…leve them alone.  They aren’t talking to you and they obviously aren’t looking to build a conversation with you.  DAH.  
Fucking weirdos…sorry just bored with friendly messages by others when I go to the bar and leave myself online to these sites and come home to people that I am not going to sleep with but now I feel like I have to respond.  I’m not.  If you see me and and about making out with someone and obviously about to go home with them and you say “Hi” your going to see me ignore your stupid self.  
Its like walking in on someone going to the bathroom.  There pants are down and rather than close the door you want to ask whats up?  People …. use your brains!   What has happened here?  I know this sounds slutty but …. we all do it and come on, give me break! 
And on a related side note.  Don’t try to carryon a conversation with me if you don’t have a picture.  This is  lust driven world and I was nice enough to post a couple of my own on there so when you message with out one and claim your “in the closet” I probably wont care.  All I know is your fine with gaining extra info on me which you used to determine whether to message me and now you expect me to respond to nothing?  Again …. idiots.  Sorry …. just annoyed at what we all deal with I think. 

Flip note…

At Oak and fourth there is a Presbyterian church.  I pass it often on my way to work and think … I should check it out on Sunday  Just as I don’t like going out alone I always think who’d go there with me and I think of Jordan.  Both of us in my mind are gay rock stars in this little Louisville scene but both talked about going to church together when we lived at the same place.  I remember walking around my apartment one night and him coming in from the pool and asking me if I was whistling “It is well with my soul” and smiling and saying yes … didn’t know you were in here.  Both of us having this underlying desire to find that past peace we had with church in our lives.

Long time ago before many of my friends knew me I lead bible studies.  I took joy and peace in what I learned.  I was pulled and someways thrown from that feeling by those I looked up too because of there beliefs in something that I couldn’t change and I tried to fight.  I was gay and I loved the lord and I loved worship, I sat in my pew with the rest of the youth and I totally believed in what I was a part of … and then I felt robbed of that peace by the ones that built my praise, I was a baptist….I was gay.  For years I fought it, and it has been a decade since I sat in a church on Sunday and experienced that chance to dress up and display my desire to believe in something that I couldn’t see … and they took that from me.  

I try to be a man of the world.  I display such secular desires in grand demonstration … but I still have “As the deer” and “Our god is an awesome god” in both my music collection and in my mind.  You can find me at work singing these songs, and while it seems a joke … it is a display that while so many christians would judge my life I still came from that background.  I came from the world that you knew what you were doing on Sunday … worship in the morning and choir in the evening, and I came from a background that I knew that the bible study was going to be at my house on Monday and on Wednesday night I’d be at church.   Why do I think that church on fourth and oak might be different?  Cause there is a woman who is listed as the pastor.  I don’t know why I trust women more, but I see it in a lot of what I do.  I only vote for female judges, I usually ask for the female doctors … maybe it is from my love for my mother, someone who was accepting of who I was, someone who tried to get me to say I was gay long before I was ready too.  

I remember getting ready next to my mother one morning.  Fixing my hair…looking in the mirror for high school and her turning to me and saying … “If you need to tell me something you can, I’ll always love you.”  I think I said something about running late for school and not knowing then what she was talking about.  I remember crying at night cause I was gay and couldn’t change it and her coming in asking what was wrong and telling her it was just stress.  She was always there showing that support.  And … while I talk of my mother and her love … I can’t forget to mention my father.  When I was dealing with the hardest break up of my life and talking to him about the hardship in my heart … he told me to be classy.  Not in passing, but sincerely … he was trying to express to me that while the end was there I should try to be the best man I could be … as he had always tried to be.  I was extremely blessed with these two accepting people, two very caring righteous people.  

So how can I be upset or challenged by anything in life?  I was taught so well and I have such a strong foundation to hold too.

Mom as some of you know has been battling and very successfully … her stage 3 cancer.  Dad has also been battling his cancer, recently we’ve been dealing with problems that grew from his surgery.  He has a kidney that has failed and they’ve tried a few times, different things to kick start it back….none successful at this time.  He has a bag that his kidney drains into…onto of the bag that his bladder drains into and he still has such a rosey disposition about life.  I worry that I have only a few years left with him … but I remember a song sang at his brother’s funeral …. It is well, with my soul.  It is…cause no matter what is ahead, I can only celebrate that he has been my father.