PSA – To make sure you know … :-)

 Ten Commandments of cell phone etiquette, with amendments to follow:

1. Thou shalt not subject defenseless others to cell phone conversations. When people cannot escape the banality of your conversation, such as on the bus, in a cab, on a grounded airplane, or at the dinner table, you should spare them. People around you should have the option of not listening. If they don’t, you shouldn’t be babbling.

2. Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play La Cucaracha every time thy phone rings. Or Beethoven’s Fifth, or the Bee Gees, or any other annoying melody. Is it not enough that phones go off every other second? Now we have to listen to synthesized nonsense?

3. Thou shalt turn thy cell phone off during public performances. I’m not even sure this one needs to be said, but given the repeated violations of this heretofore unwritten law, I felt compelled to include it.

4. Thou shalt not wear more than two wireless devices on thy belt. This hasn’t become a big problem yet. But with plenty of techno-jockeys sporting pagers and phones, Batman-esque utility belts are sure to follow. Let’s nip this one in the bud.

5. Thou shalt not dial while driving. In all seriousness, this madness has to stop. There are enough people in the world who have problems mastering vehicles and phones individually. Put them together and we have a serious health hazard on our hands.

6. Thou shalt not wear thy earpiece when thou art not on thy phone. This is not unlike being on the phone and carrying on another conversation with someone who is physically in your presence. No one knows if you are here or there. Very disturbing.

7. Thou shalt not speak louder on thy cell phone than thou would on any other phone. These things have incredibly sensitive microphones, and it’s gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is calling me from a cell because of the way they are talking, not how it sounds. If your signal cuts out, speaking louder won’t help, unless the person is actually within earshot.

8. Thou shalt not grow too attached to thy cell phone. For obvious reasons, a dependency on constant communication is not healthy. At work, go nuts. At home, give it a rest.

9. Thou shalt not attempt to impress with thy cell phone. Not only is using a cell phone no longer impressive in any way (unless it’s one of those really cool new phones with the space age design), when it is used for that reason, said user can be immediately identified as a neophyte and a poseur.

10. Thou shalt not slam thy cell phone down on a restaurant table just in case it rings. This is not the Old West, and you are not a gunslinger sitting down to a game of poker in the saloon. Could you please be a little less conspicuous? If it rings, you’ll hear it just as well if it’s in your coat pocket or clipped on your belt.

34.03 Progress with Congress

Brown-Waite a republician representative from Florida recently resigned from the board that oversee’s the House pages.  She was floored to find out that two teenagers could engage in oral sex and claims that the democrats have dropped the ball on protecting pages.  WHAT AN IDIOT!  They’re teenagers and at least this page scandal doesn’t have a house representative involved.  That seems to me to be a BIG improvement over last year with the republician’s incharge.  Brown-Waite is a joke trying to make something political out of nothing and too close to an example where her party totally dropped the ball. 

34.02

 So since the customer service driven idiots of the World of Warcraft players who make up 75% of our night staff at work couldn’t pause there games when they had to work none of us are now able to have our laptops up and running for anything bu educational stuff.  Course I did play games at work but mine were turn based and allow me to step away while their games where real time.  

So, I guess I have to go back to college now and get a bachelor in information technology (in just a year since I have so many trnafering credits) and then I suppose I’ll move on this time next year and start the MIS program.

I always made fun of the World of Warcraft virtual livers but now they have helped push me to move forward.  So it is done. 

I am to play host tomorrow afternoon to my mother and grandparents.  Looking forward to it.  The apartment is show worthy and even in the past few days I’ve built it up to a better spot.  Jordan remarked … “Your almost husband material” cute … but accurate.  Good job that will be enhanced by my new educational drive, an apartment that has a charm and nice stuff, and a good perception of what I want forward.

I think next weekend I am going to nix the idea of a holiday party and instead invite a half dozen friends to join me on a journey to enjoy another town.  Why half a dozen?  While my new crew is a lot more reliable I think it is smart to invite 6 and expect 4.  Honestly, I can do it with just one more and I know I have at least that.

I am retiring my laptop.  Been using it now since April but selling it at a cut rate special price to Jordan and in turn expecting him to sell his for a good price to Dana.  Full expectations that it will continue my recent smart moves.

The car i think has it’s days numbered.  Not by running issues but a continued desire by my parents to see it retired.  Luckily I have now for about 6 months dropped 160 a month into my mother’s checking account and it appears likely with each continued smart move on my part that the family will continue to rise to supportive levels.  Funny … how if you ask for 50 bucks and give them nothing back they think I am immature.  Ask for a thousand and give them 160 a month and they feel it is an investment.

Aim high my friends, and surround yourself with equals in an environment that breeds happiness. 

And … btw, those who fought WWII are considered the greatest generation.  They are, but I dont think it is that because of anything more than circumstance.  They faced the first time that technology allowed smaller nations to place larger ones that didn’t put the same belief in technology into dreams of building an empire.  Sure the end result was that the rest of the world won, but only after embracing science and now we the priveledge argue and toil with vietnam or Iraq but we never face an equal enemy because as long as we hold true to technology we don’t fall back into the ignorance of yesturday.  My grand father fought with the greatest generation but what makes them the greatest is that they faced a real challenge and since thier sacrifice we’ve chosen our wars.  They didn’t.

33:03

 Yeah I know the last entry was for a new chapter….34, but tonight a complete asshole was pulled to light.

There isn’t much a secret that right now I think Derrick is a dog.  But I am trying to take the high road cause addressing his sad life would simply be me looking back at someone I am glad to have behind me.  But … recentlt Jordan called Derrick “Shaddy” and Jarriet heard this and repeated it to Derrick and Derrick messaged Jordan.  And … then … Derrick apparently suggested that they should hang out.  Derrick and Jordan.  See it just goes to show that Derrick is completely clueless how UGLY and nonfriendly he appears that he would message one of my friends and suggest they hangout.  Heck I’d bet that cheap ass slutty Derrick would spread his legs to anyone I hangout with just cause the only thing that matters to this elementary bitch is who likes them and who doesn’t.

Nice to know Jordan felt like pointing this out to me.  Just points out further how Derrick is a complete shit who has nothing going for him that his youth and how I’ve made the right decision here.  I don’t want Derrick around me.  I don’t want him in my life and it pisses me off that he is so stupid and immature that he has to try to go for my friends to attempt to make himself feel normal.  

…. now back to chapter 34.  Fuck a bunch of Derrick Russell.  Cunt as bitch.

34.01

 good times.   Good times this weekend, went out each night … and had a good time each time which was almost free from interception.  

Tonight someone said something due to either loyalty or their own experience based upon many many times the amount of time that the messenger knew anyone … the messenger being the one who reported the line that was said and when the person mentioned messaged the person next to me … I said … and how often does he talk to you?  Almost as much as he talked to me.

I’m disappointed that if someone near me says something it appears to get reported back … but I’m more so solidified when it is noted that the comment really has no bearing upon my life or the one who said it.  

But most important … RIP Victor Lang

Fairview Mayor Victor Lang was tragically killed during Sunday’s tornado outbreak shortly after being released from the hospital.  Mr. Lang rushed to his wife upon the news of the storm and heroically died while trying attempting to rescue citizens.  He is survived by his devoted father and loving wife.  Gifts in his memory can be made to the Fairview Humane Society.

33.02 Change was my enemy.

33 is a fast chapter.  This is the 2nd part and last part.  Read the thoughts on friendship below if you want or skip to the cheery end of 33 at the bottom of this posting with the heading 33.02 ends.  🙂 …. oh, and a quick note- I’m not seeking comments on this.  I’ve thought it over and this is just what it is. 

A change….on my own account.  An old friend/love of mine accused me of being afraid of change.  Another person who’s opinion means a lot to me told me that I needed new friends.  I have new hair, a new apartment…which has changed a lot of my out look…I love my new place and I feel fine pushing for the changes that have been missed in my life.  I’d have a new job if one of my “friend” had his say…and one of our mutual friends would have me to bow to the words … ” Do you like your job?  Do you want to keep your job?”  While no one will admitt to these words … I know who said them … 
Further a dear friend defended and continues to side with this “friend” and has nothing better to do than message me by email, showing me pictures of myself with critical statements.  I am a Leo.  Look it up … Loyalty is a prime aspect of my life.  So I have no plans to speak to either of them, lets face it … in the flesh they’ve proven to me that I have no interest in being friends with them.  One … is only capable of satelite friendships … only seeking subservent people.  I still haven’t forgiven them for when my apartment was flooded and I knew they were awake and they turned me down to sleep on their dry floors.  And now someone I called my best friend is too busy thinking what he can get from that person and what sex he may gain from those that he spins off as he always has … perfect satelite friend.

I’m changing and I like it.  And as part of that … just cause I’ve known you for years doesn’t mean I should be “friends” with you.  And if your priority is to be a satelite friend subservent of that guy doesn’t mean I need to be your friend.  I haven’t talked about this yet, I’ve let six days go forward … but … after these days to think … I know … Yes I have been afraid of others I don’t know.  I stick with what I expect even when I’d never be that person to a friend.  I’ve built too many “friendships” on simply how long someone has known me.  Even when they failed me in the first place, and … have shown a pattern of neglect and unconsistent actions.  Why am I friends with someone just because of longevity?  When I can look back at it and simply be upset with them?  Thats about now.  I just don’t like someone and I have my reasons.  I can’t hide my feelings when I am drunk…I dislike someone simply because of who they are and not by any action.  Thus … I’m not rash to be upset with them, I’m only an idiot if I allow myself to continue to hide the distaste I have for someone and the fact I have little to nothing to say about them after years of knowing them.  Sure … I saw as I did when I first meet them … a potential for good, but consistently they’ve shown themselves to be a person I do not want to know.  No names … point being, I’m trying to make changes … trying to build a life I like.  A life that makes me what I suspected and what I was told tonight … a life that makes a person … who is husband material.  I’ve had great times in my past.  I cheerish many times that others would look down on … but I grew from them … and this is my time to grow more than I have ever grown in all these years.  Realizing that just cause I’ve known them for a long time … doesn’t mean, I should be there friends.  Growing also includes closing the doors to people that don’t take the time to know me and understand me … growing means, focusing on those who’ve been mutually beneficial who are consistent and who I can offer support too and who I can rely upon on for support.
At this point I want to say for one reason or the other I don’t see you as the help or support to build me up to becoming the person I want to be.  I know this all sounds negative but I see it positive.  I am not saying anything in name about anyone … all I am saying, is that right now I feel charged and poised to continuing my quest that I abandoned a few years ago to become the best person I can be.  We all meet people on the way and due to my fear of cutting off others I’ve allowed myself to drag others that don’t really want to see their friends become all they can be.  I have dead weight … I carry … I’ve carried, for too long.  And all I ask is the chance to find the better Matt Leffler which I think doesn’t include some.  I wish the guys the best, and I hope they find the path to happiness.  I think I have … and I think, to follow it I have to unload a few people in my life.  I want to be happy, I want to find what genuinely will make me happy and I don’t think that we share the same goals and I don’t think we share the same joy in seeing our friends being happy.  
So seriously … for the first time in many years I’m stepping out of the comfort of the same old, world that I know and I can expect.  What I’ve seen and come to expect tells me that there is more out there, and you can’t help me … and me being around only delays my ascent to becoming all I want to be and delays me from finding the joy in my friends and the support that fuels my hopes for those around me.
Good bye to you.  I’ve loved and I’ve asked for your friendship before and now … all I ask for is your space.  Let me either climb to the height I think I’ll hit without you, or let me fall without you.  Either way … I have no plans for you in my personal life.
Let’s build upon mutually supportive and consistent relationships that have shown that they help each of us with out personal agenda.  
Special note … I pity one of my old best friends.  He is content to be a “satelite friend” only revolving around a source of gravity that will end up displacing him … in the end, the selfish find new prey who only too invested … see the smoke and mirrors of their friendship.  I did.  
I still value you and I can only hope at this point to miss you.  You’ve demonstrated your lack of loyalty to me … someone who genuinely wanted good for you.  But you were blinded by the quark … of another … that rubs off so easily.  You know who you are as you read this … I love you, but I don’t want to talk to you right now because we have different self worth perspectives.  I don’t need our mutual friend to be happy and I’ve found I’m actually a lot more peaceful with him not around.  You all see me, as being a guy who gets mad so easily … but I want to point out that when we subtract a someone ( which I am to blame for carrying him ) all my rage in years ends with those I am romantically connected too … and even these people have told me to shake that figure lose.  Even the ones I fought with saw enough to tell me to make a better life for myself without someone.  It is just time to move on.
I’ll say to the end, I love my friends.  When one consistently shows his disrespect for your friendship with noncommittal statements, disregard for your !dreams!, threats to your current life and an expectation that you’ll change your life and schedule for them when they won’t show you any empathy when they know you are sensitive to an issue.  I’ll miss who I once thought I knew, but I can’t stay around for the continued disappointments about them, their lack of trust for me … but that I confided in them.  Secretive isn’t an aspect of my friendships.  I value those around me and I know I don’t have all the answers and thats why I say everything about myself to my friends, I seek their counsel and I can’t do that with someone who can’t confess so much about their lives.  I’m tired of learning about them while talking to a stranger.  I felt stupid when someone I talked too … compared notes and I had nothing to say back.  It’s just an example … if you don’t trust me then you don’t need to tell me about your life, and then I shouldn’t tell you about mine cause you don’t see me as good a friend as I saw you.  
I’ll be happy.  I will succeed if I don’t have people around me who listen to my thoughts and my struggles but don’t share those thoughts of their own with me.  I’ll find a good life if I write off those who are just around because of time.  Friendship is more than time spent together, friendship also includes a level of trust … which must go both ways.  Also … regarding the mutual friends, when they consistently pick another over you … you have to assume one of two things is true.  Either your old friend has found a place they trust more than you to be themselves and lower their defenses … this friend … that isn’t me … or they are just misleading another person.  …………………………………………………….
FOR THE SAKE OF MY OLD FRIEND AND FOR THE SAKE OF MY BEST FRIEND … I hope they simply have built a bond I never fourged with either of them.  I’d rather hope they are just closer together than I could become, because this would make them both human.  Both people who don’t chose who their hearts confide in … men who have built real friendships that I tried and failed to create with them.  

I have to do stuff.  I don’t have time for others growing and others discovering what friendship is … I’m old enough to want more and I now expect it.  I am looking for the first time in many years at others who’ve been around for the same amount of time but, due to my loyalty to the original few … I’ve ignored several who have shown themselves to be worth all my attention.  I think I’ve focused on substandard friendships cause thats what I’m used too, and I’ve looked past the chances that I’ve been given with others.   I could be to blame, I’ve held to those I know ignoring there actions and ignoring that maybe they really don’t have any intention of keeping me as their friend.  Maybe they aren’t assholes but I’ve been a burden?  That ends now. 

So right now, I’m continuing a grand change in voyage … I’m following my dreams and surrouding myself with people that make me happy.  And, just as last night … my Friday found me looking at friends who called me first, and who … I hope I’ve shown that in any time of need I’d be there … and I kinda think thats why the night went so well.  Cause they know that, and I feel they’d do the same.  So why discuss this all????   I’m happy.  I look around and I see people I like and I appreciate, people I put up a christmas tree … thinking they’d see it.  Cause I wanted them at my house and they’d want to be here.  Oddly, that is a different feeling then I’ve felt from the people I HAD spent my time with.  Now I feel I can do things with others in mind and I can share these experiences with them.  But AGAIN I shouldn’t and it is wrong for me to dislike the old principles in my life….the old Lieutenants, I know that sounds like I think of them as my subordinate … but to me, I see my friends as Lieutenants and I hope they see me as the same in their life.  Your the chief person concerned with yourself and then their are your Lieutenants and I call some that title cause I mean to say I trust them to treat me as best as anyone would…and I hope that I can be the same to them.

I almost feel guilty that the two I am talking about were the two I went for my birthday to my favorite city.  I was removed from a bad situation and time in my life by them two that weekend.  But while I was saved by their actions … I don’t believe they acted on my behalf, each had their own agendas which they feed and sought through knowing me and going to Chicago.  What seemed a group activity ended up being only an accuse for them to follow and find there own opportunity and I was nothing more than a catalyst to help them build their own plans.  No selfless appreciation for a friend.  Just an excuse to hide their own expectations.

I have friends who call me, and I say yes when I have nothing to gain … other than the knowledge that they got what they wanted.  No specifics…this isn’t about that.  This is simply an explanation why my key friends have changed so suddenly.  I can’t gain any thing from here … the people I am talking about hopefully see that I’m happy with out them and I hope they are happy with out me.  And this serves as an example of how I am growing and prepared to make changes that are beneficial to my life and not stick to what I know … simply cause I know how well we will disappoint each other.

Dancing on … through life.  With people I care about and who seem to care about me and a moment look back and those I hope will be as happy without me as I am without them.  WooHoo!  Lets all just get on and realize what we want and find it in those around us!  Good luck to the rest I’m sure others can be what I can’t.   Sometimes being a friend is knowing when it is time to let go of the other.  I am ready to that, cause I don’t think we have much more to offer each other.  This is a chapter in our lives that is done.  

🙂  As I normally do … lets take lines from a song here, dedicated to a few friends…..: “Keep the love that keeps us strong.  A chapter in your life is done, but we will keep you close as always.  Friends don’t say never cause the welcome does not end.  Though its hard to let you go, a lifetime’s not to long to live as friends.”

This is hopefully my last message to these friends.  I dont think we need to concern ourselves any further with each others journal.  It is simply time to let each other go. 

33.02 Ends a Chapter of Discovery and Discussion.

So went out with some friends tonight to Q.  Didn’t do much more than I usually do, but I did it differently.  I showed up with a person whose opinion I sincerely value and have been listening too.  

Played the darts, and billards, drank and laughed with people who called and texted before I got there.  People I would have called and texted before I got there if they hadn’t beaten me.  Walked in with someone I genuinely respect and someone I like a lot.  
Had dinner out, watched a DVD with and welcomed their brief appearance at the bar.  I do have to say I question some of his personal direction but who can’t find someone to question our own direction?  

I think his name was Doug?  Beat me at darts, with Colin and Shane and another guy behind my score…(I lost by 2 points thank you) … got to talk to others I enjoy.

Previously today got a “hair cut”.  Just enough to control my 4 month growing out experience and was able to keep a perception that I am changing the way my hair is for the first time since 1998.  

Put up my christmas tree.  It has 1000 lights, with an additional 200 in the room to compliment the decor.  It was discribed by a biased individual ( not me ) as the hottest tree out of the 1980s.  🙂  I think tacky trees are the rule….the tackier the better.

Can’t wait to show it off, already discussed an Xmas/Misc. party for later in the month with another friend at the bar.

36:20 More to it?

Ahhh…..is there more to it? Apparently. Cause I am still posting and in theroy someone else may have posted with a slight reaction to me in their journal. Lets just point out that journal entries are as reliable as the moment they were typed in.

I know the game was pretty good. And I know I may have declared in a previous entry I saw the end of it. BUT hey … if my theroy is correct here…you took the time to read my thoughts, then you took the time to react to them. Most people dont even take the first step there.

36:19 Clank Clank went the ..

So any ways… Nathan was out at the bar I was at. With his bestfriend who apparently is still intersted in me even though I am all about his boy N.

But I left the bar with James. The best way to show a gay boy you want him is to leave with another guy. Fucked up isnt it? So I left with James. As I blarred Judy Garland he called his drug dealer and asked me if I was intersted in what he was gonna come back with. No…honestly I am not even after him. I want the guy at the bar nathan. So I said sure…whatever….just do whatever….why..???? cause I dont even want him.

But it is all good. Nathan kissed another guy last night and we arent boyfriejds so he can do that. Tonight as our friends were around that dont seem to know…he leaned to me and whispered in my ear….You okay? I was like…I am grand..and looked him in the eyes and thought…god…I hate you…why are you so perfect yet so not good for me? I played Judy Garland – ” Someone to watch over me.” In my head then….

Do you know? How wonderful life could be if I found a boy who wanted me as much as I wanted him?????????????????????

So anyhow…an addition to the night. I am at home. Alone. James is off doing his deal. And Nathan is off not really understadning how I feel. So I figured this was a good song for me right now. Smile – Judy Garland. I see Brent. The one. And also…the anti-one. I see Nathan. I see David….and I see no one and so many other ones. Knowing that I have to smile…no matter how my heart feels…no matter how it has been broken…I’ll get by. Throught my fear and sorrow. Tomorrrow I’ll see the sun.

So…look at me. Never a trace of sadness…even thought a tear is so near….see me? Smiling? No use in crying…cause I just smile. Fuck that tear…I can fight it!!! This is the time I must keep on trying…cause a boy will come along and he will remind me … live is still worth wild. The rest be damned.

…So y night progresses. James is back and his shit is apparently shit. I dont know. I didnt try it. But I called someone else and inquired about what I could get…and they told me they;d make a call to someone…and If I called the same someone and backed him up he could get what I was calling about. AWWWHHHH I feel like the grandfather of drug dealing in this town now. BLAH. Fuck it all. When the dealer needs your clout…there is something wrong. James is outside on the phone with his boyfriend and I am trying to ignore the idea of drugs and just get rid of james and wish I had Nathan or David.